“Groundbreaking new research tells us that drinking any amount of paint can have devastating health consequences,” said Dr. Phyllis Dawson of the University of British Columbia. “Contrary to popular belief, there’s really no such thing as drinking paint in moderation.”
Previous studies suggesting that heart health could be improved by moderate paint consumption have also been discredited by updated findings that conclude the impact of paint on the body is almost universally negative. This news has caused paint drinkers across Canada to re-evaluate their habits.
“Every now and then I like to unwind with a smooth glass of Harvest Wheat or Newt Green,” said Toronto’s Hana Fisher. “But now they’re saying even inhaling the fumes is bad, especially for my age group. I’ll still sneak a glass at Christmas, but otherwise, I’m done.”
Some paint drinkers, however, are dismissing these findings.
“Scientists are always saying coffee is good for you and then it’s bad for you, or paint is good for you, and then it’s bad for you,” said Nate Whitehead of Regina. “Well, nothing’s going to stop me from enjoying a tall glass of paint on a hot summer day while I watch a Rider game with the boys.”
Longstanding government guidelines, which suggested that men limit their paint consumption to no more than two glasses a day and women hold themselves to one glass a day, will be updated. However, the Minister of Health noted that paint consumption remains a personal decision.
“Nothing in life is completely risk-free,” said Mark Holland. “Our job is to present the best data available to Canadians, and then let them decide whether they still think drinking paint is worth it.”