PORT PERRY – Local man Kyle Thompson surprised friends and family last week with the results of an extreme home makeover that was months – maybe even years – in the making: he washed his bedshee...
Malfunctioning embryo freezer charged with mass murder
HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA – Due to recent changes in Alabama state legislation, a malfunctioning embryo freezer has been charged with mass murder. The accused cryopreservation appliance recently began...
MDMA pharmaceutical trial shut down for being too fucking fun
TORONTO – Ontario Health has halted a recent MDMA pharmaceutical trial out of concerns that the therapeutic impacts patients were experiencing was at this time considered too utterly amazeballs ...
Collapsing Vice Media assures devastated journalists that upper level management will be fine
BROOKLYN, N.Y. – Vice Media began informing journalists today that they’ve been laid off as the struggling company pivots away from producing news in favour of a business model in which investor...
Conservatives announce that Loblaws will be exclusive distributors of new Porn IDs
OTTAWA – Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre has already announced an exclusive deal that would see his government’s newly-proposed Porn IDs sold exclusively at Loblaws grocery stores. &#...
Ukrainian military discovers Canadian “drones” just old Sea Kings with GoPros taped on
KYIV, UKRAINE – Following the announcement that Canada will provide 800 drones to aid in the Ukrainian war effort to repel Russia’s invasion, military officers in Ukraine report that the &...
Auston Matthews vows to work on his “pass to a guy who passes to a guy who scores” skills so he can finally deserve MVP
LAS VEGAS – Fresh off scoring 51 goals in 54 games Leafs centre Auston Matthews has announced that he has heard the criticism and will immediately devote his time and effort to developing his se...
Breaking: Coworker who gave entire office Covid promoted for never taking a day off
HAMILTON, ON ― Inside sources report that your boss soon plans to announce a major promotion for Nathan Crane, a coworker currently working the same position as you. A significant factor in the boss’...
Russian autopsy shows Navalny locked self in Siberian gulag, poisoned self
MOSCOW – Officials from the Kremlin, under the close supervision of Russian President Vladimir Putin, have concluded an autopsy of Alexei Navalny, concluding that the recently-deceased oppositio...
BREAKING: Greece legalizes Greek food
ATHENS, GREECE – The government of Greece has proudly announced that they have legalized the country’s long-standing tradition of eating Greek cuisine. “Is it possible people were doing this in Greece...
