Master farter confused by constant rejection
MILTON, ON – Gifted tooter Josh Bibby expressed displeasure today at his inability to find a “nice girl,” despite his painstakingly-honed ability to fart on command. “I’ve tried online dati…
Report: Smoking still kinda cool if smoker attractive
BALTIMORE, MD – Researchers from the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine published a report earlier this week which finds that smoking is still kinda cool, provided the smoker in question is attract…
I’m the Champ: What is Cool?
Yesterday my bud Will asked me what a cool is, and how did I get to be so cool? I told him I’m not so cool, I just have lots of style and pinash. He said what’s pinash? I said look it…
Health Canada politely asks Canadians not to fall sick anymore
OTTAWA, ON – In a public statement made Monday morning, Health Canada officially asked Canadians if, before getting sick, they might first consider not getting sick at all. “Given the monumental …
Dog finally fucking sits when company over
WINNIPEG – Local pet owner Ricky Blinkin shocked friends and co-workers at his house party last Friday when, in a Herculean Feat, he managed to get his miniature schnauzer, Sigfried, to actually …
Snazzy business card fails to generate clients for asshole
CALGARY, AB – Despite purchasing a set of colourful, die-cut, embossed, holographic business cards, local real-estate agent and complete asshole Derick Fineley observed no noticeable increa…
Hey Stacey I just heard a really good song we should fuck to
By Todd Isaac Stacey, you know how you’re always saying I should be more romantic? Well, I just had to call you about this really great song I heard today. It’s got an awesome beat th…
New study links depression to sharing office space with Dave
MONTREAL – According to a report released by McGill’s Institute for Mental Health, the leading cause of depression among working Canadians is shared office space with Dave Sheppard. “Nine t…
I’m the Champ: Men are from Rome, women are from Mars
A lot of people notice I’m good with ladies. They say “Hey Champ, you are so smooth, you must have slept with a hundred girls.” Now I am a gentleman and will never brag, but it’s more than two, I…
Machismo exhibited by moving furniture alone
TORONTO – Local student Jeff Saunders impressed friends at his Beverley St. apartment when he moved a 340 lbs solid oak bunk bed from one side of his room to the other, sources reported las…
