TORONTO – After an evening at the family dinner theatre ‘Medieval Times’, local ‘Game of Thrones’ aficionado and self-proclaimed medievalist David Brock departed in deep disappointment.
“What was that?” said Brock, whose entire knowledge of the middle ages is gleaned from the HBO drama. “That isn’t what the middle ages were like at all.”
Brock lambasted the dinner theatre for failing to properly demonstrate the sex, violence, and magic that famously characterized the 13th and 14th centuries.
“What kind of tournament is it when nobody chops off a horse’s head? And speaking of things that didn’t come off, what kind of bizarro world middle ages are we talking about when the princess’ tunic stays on for the whole 2 hours?”
Already nonplussed that the King was an old man, and not a pale, pinched face blonde kid the way real medieval Kings were, Brock found himself seething with rage when the meal arrived.
“Tomato Bisque!?!” shouted Brock, “Nobody in Westeros even knew what a tomato was until North America got discovered! Moreover, what kind of genuine medieval serving wench punches you in the face when you grab her butt!?!” he added, plugging his nostril with a bit of rolled up napkin.
Although he admitted that the fights were “pretty okay, despite being clearly staged,” Brock grew despondent when the Red and Yellow knight was knocked out forty-five minutes in.
“Unrealistic,” he sighed. “Totally unrealistic. An actual medieval knight would have poisoned all of his opponents beforehand. That’s how those guys were!”
At press time Brock was lamenting how the drug dealers in his neighbourhood couldn’t whistle as well as Omar from the wire.
