ENGLAND – In what is only the latest incident in the scientist’s ongoing doping scandal, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences announced today that they would be revoking Stephen Hawking’s nobel prize in physics.
“Our inquiry found that Hawking’s ability to do theoretical physics had been bolstered by a laundry list of drugs, each one helping him push his body far beyond its natural limits,” said U.S. Anti-Doping Agency president, Travis Tygart. “Antidepressants. Painkillers. Anti-Spastics. Laxatives. All drugs that he never would have been able to win the Nobel Prize without.”
The USADA inquiry also found that Hawking had been taking copious amounts of Rilutek, a medication that artificially allowed him to prevent his throat from collapsing in on itself.
“Obviously it was unfair of him to employ drugs,” said Physicist Michio Kaku. “What about all the other physicists who didn’t take drugs to keep their throats from collapsing in on themselves? How are we supposed to win Nobel prizes?”
This is only the latest in a long series of doping scandals that have rocked the Nobel Committee. Past laureates Marie Curie, Niels Bohr and Henry Kissinger all had their awards revoked after having been discovered to have won them under the influence, respectively, of Radium, Bohrium and Cambodian child’s blood.
The scandal has perhaps hit Hawking hardest in his wallet, with companies like Nike, Radioshack and Anheuser-Busch all terminating their lucrative endorsement deals with the septuagenarian.
“Our Business relationship with Hawking no longer aligns with our company’s mission and values,” said Anheuser-Bush spokesperson Blaine Rodgerfeldt. “We at Anheuser-Busch believe very strongly that we should portray only upright people getting wild with beer and babes in our commercials.”
At press time, Stephen Hawking had just finished giving an exclusive interview to Oprah Winfrey. When the T.V. star confronted him with the statement that he had “been a jerk,” Hawking broke down in tears, saying, “Please give me back my medication. Don’t you people understand? I will literally die without proper medication.”