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The Beaverton is a news satire and parody publication . All articles contained within this website, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the …
Pedestrian not sure if defecated on by bird
TORONTO – A man walking west on Bloor Street near Spadina Ave. believes a pigeon may have defecated on his cheek and right shoulder earlier this morning, but he is unsure. “Could have been …
Area man finally builds up nerve to buy rope from sex shop
TORONTO – A student at Ryerson University spent nearly one hour at a sex shop on Queen St. West building up the nerve to add a bundle of rope to his shopping cart. Mitch Gagnon, 21, spent m…
I am a Frosh Party Animal
By Martin ‘Figs’ Figlinsky My friends, I have to tell you, this year’s frosh celebration was really awesome! The University of Toronto has really topped itself. This was by far one of…
Computer error preempted by smashing keyboard into monitor
WATERLOO, ON – A frustrating computer problem was avoided yesterday when Radioshack employee Mike Pasut, 27—in anticipation of a computer crash—quickly grabbed the keyboard off his desk and smash…
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend. Serious calls only. Inflatable love dolls OK. Call Herm, 416-555-3764…
U.S. Air Force stealth bomber too stealthy
(UNDISCLOSED LOCATION) – Radar cannot detect it, and neither can the human eye. The U.S. Air Force’s top-secret stealth bomber, the C-THRU 117, a state-of-the-art aircraft so incredibly ste…
Cinnabon employee called ‘chief’
BURLINGTON, ON – A cashier at a local Cinnabon was addressed as ‘chief’ yesterday. Bill Pitkin, owner of an Oshawa-based landscaping company, had just finished a big meal at Eas…
Vernon Wells struggles with entrance music
TORONTO – Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells is in a slump, but it has nothing to do with his bat or his glove. The 31-year-old told reporters that he is profoundly troubled by t…
Pizza restaurant lost thousands trying to honour 40 minutes or it’s free guarantee over G20 weekend
TORONTO – A downtown Pizza Pizza franchise on Queen St. E. suffered thousands of dollars in lost sales over the weekend trying to honour its time guarantee of delivering a pizza in less tha…
