University of British Columbia: The Beaverton University Reviews

Name: University of British Columbia Nickname: Ol’ Oh God Maybe This Earthquake Will Turn Out To Be The Big One Motto: ‘I’ve got some psilocybin, you’ve got some woods behind your house, what are…

Americans celebrate National Consumer Stampede Day

Richmond, VA – Embracing their capitalist roots, Americans have kicked off National Consumer Stampede Day with frenzied riots at department stores across the country. Thousands of people wa…

Local teen takes a stand against ageism by not offering 83 year-old seat on bus

MONTREAL – Public transit officials are congratulating 16-year-old Harrison Grady for standing up against age discrimination by not giving up his seat to octogenarian Edith Perkins when she hobbl…

Report: Hanukkah is 8 days long to allow for alternate spellings

NEW YORK – Judaism’s oldest mystery was solved on Wednesday when the Rabbinical Council revealed that Hanukkah is 8 days long to accommodate all of the holiday’s potential english spellings…

Police background check clears Bryzgalov to work with children, Edmonton Oilers

EDMONTON – Part-time goalie and full-time astronomer Ilya Bryzgalov is now able to make his first start for the Edmonton Oilers, after a police background check cleared him to play with Chi…

TSN anchors suddenly really excited for upcoming curling season

TORONTO – Following the NHL’s surprising announcement that Rogers Communications, and its Sportsnet tv stations, would have exclusive rights to nationally broadcast hockey games for the nex…

Queen’s student wearing Queen’s jacket alerts fellow Queen’s students on Queen’s campus that he too studies at Queen’s

KINGSTON – A student has informed campus colleagues that he is a member of their university by wearing a jacket with his institution’s name emblazoned on the back. “I just wanted to reassur…

Canadian intelligence agency loses entire porn stash in fire at new HQ

OTTAWA – A fire at the Communications Security Establishment Canada (CSEC) new headquarters has destroyed the internet pornography database used by the intelligence agency charged with moni…

EU officials celebrate upholding Canadian seal product ban with foie gras meal

BRUSSELS – Members of the European Trade Commission gorged on fattened duck liver to to celebrate the WTO’s decision to uphold the ban on Canadian seal products. “We’re pleased to hear that…

Study: 68% of people conducting surveys over the phone are not wearing pants

MONTREAL, QC – A recent study of call centres has revealed that more than two-thirds of their employees are conducting surveys in a state of pantlessness. The study found that the survey-takers’ …