SEA OF JAPAN – After following a thirty-year long trail of slain fish, squid and seals, the crew of the whaler Pekuad Maru say that an infamous killer whale has been brought to justice.
“This was one twisted son of a bitch,” said Ahap, the ship’s captain. “Birds, turtles, it didn’t matter. If he was still out on the seas, he’d still be killing.”
Eyewitnesses say that the orca attempted to resist arrest, and that the ship’s crew resorted to harpoons only after zipties proved inadequate.
“We uttered a verbal warning, but he didn’t listen,” said Ichimael, first mate. “He acted as though he didn’t understand. Must have been on whale drugs. You know, PSeaP, maritime-juana, methanenome, crack coral-caine, mes-krill-ine, LSDeep, moray-phine… you get the picture.”
Sources say that the culprit is now being held in custody in a whale-rendering tank.
At press time, the crew of the ship had also detained a group of 15 and 16-year-old dolphins as part of a Japanese government initiative to crack down on pod violence.
“This is what happens when you don’t stay in schools.” Ahap said.
