Canadian women’s hockey team apologizes for comeback

SOCHI, RUSSIA – The Canadian women’s hockey team captured gold in a stunning overtime win over the Americans and promptly apologized for the comeback victory. “We’re real sorry …

Suspended Senator Patrick Brazeau now manager of a strip club

Sources at the BareFax Gentlemen’s Club, an Ottawa strip club, have confirmed that suspended senator Patrick Brazeau is an employee. What’s your say? “Headline spot, or does he have to tryo…

Canadian voters now required to show Conservative Party membership card before voting

OTTAWA – The federal government has recently announced plans to address voter fraud by requiring Canadians to present a Conservative Party membership ID before voting in elections. “Canadia…

Police remind parents to always lock car doors when leaving small children in subzero weather

MONTREAL – Local police are warning parents of the dangers of leaving their children in the car in -33 degree weather without ensuring they have safely secured the doors. “There are many da…

Oscar organizers begin thawing of Jack Nicholson

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — With the Oscars tonight, Hollywood cryogenicists are quickly defrosting of 79-year-old legendary film actor Jack Nicholson to attend. The acclaimed Batman and Terms of Endearm…

Sir, don’t you think you’ve rolled up enough rims for one day?

BY A TIM HORTONS DRIVE THRU SPEAKER BOX On behalf of Tim Horton’s, I would like to thank you for your loyal patronage at our stores during our roll-up-the-rim-to-win event, but Sir, don’t you thi…

Man frantically enjoying Woody Allen movies while he still can

LETHBRIDGE, AB – Refusing all social invitations and ordering in his meals, local resident Bill Grenley, 32, is reportedly savouring the last few precious moments he has to fully enjoy Wood…

Local woman successfully shaves spot just behind the ankle

MONTREAL — Over this past weekend, Claire Powell, 23, celebrated a stunning personal achievement when she successfully reached that tricky section of skin just behind the ankle while shavin…

Anxiety-ridden 23-year-old with no particular career ambition considering law school

TORONTO — Despite lacking any discernible passions or occupational goals, University of Toronto graduate Jessica Breslin recently announced that she was strongly considering a career in the legal…

Nation responds to Ellen Page coming out as gay: ‘Okay, cool’

OTTAWA – After learning the news that Canadian actress Ellen Page, best known for her role in Juno, is gay, the nation agreed that it was ‘good’. “I didn’t know she was gay but now I do,” H…