Report: bleak reality waiting on other side of World Cup finals - The Beaverton

Report: bleak reality waiting on other side of World Cup finals

BRASILIA – With the finals only hours away, the planet is slowly coming to the realization that the return to the blend of despair and panic that characterizes their ordinary, hollow, and dangerous lives is also fast approaching.

“I really hope Germany wins,” said fan Laura Mueller. “Also, I have a vague memory of being very worried about something in Iraq. Is there something really worrisome happening in Iraq?”

People around the world are already starting to have thoughts about global warming, everyone’s complicity in the use of third-world sweatshop labour, the inevitable cold dispersal of the universe’s atoms, and their own failure to live up to the expectations that they had when they were young, spoil their World Cup euphoria.

“Messi! Messi! Argentina!” said Agustin Garcia, 50, a bus driver and Argentina supporter, before suddenly burying his face in his hands. “Oh God, God, I was going to be a doctor.”

Despite the returning universal feeling of malaise, leading medical professionals say the situation is not entirely hopeless.

“Of course, the World Cup will happen again in 4 years, and we can forget about how we were supposed to end up with Michelle for another month then,” said Emerson Xiao, PhD. “And until that time, we can always rely on drugs and alcohol to dull the pain enough for us to drag ourselves through another grey, pointless afternoon.”

At press time, supporters of the losing finalists were saddened, but at least happy to be able to feel something.