Cell phones keep getting oilier and oilier but nation doesn’t know what to do about it
CANADA – Despite the fact that their cell phones have become obviously unhygienic, the nation is too paralyzed by ignorance to take steps to clean them. “I don’t have greasy skin or hair, s…
Local man pretty sure fiancée’s middle name either Helen or Maureen
BURLINGTON, ON – Local man Stephen Saroyan was put on the spot last week when trying to order wedding invitations while unsure of his fiancée’s middle name. “I think she mentioned it once o…
G8 meetings a ‘lot less fun’ without Putin
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – Following the suspension of Russian President Vladimir Putin from the Group of Eight, meetings between the world leaders have become “stiff”, “overly business-like”, and…
Poll: Majority of Quebeckers think Françoise David will make best premier they will not elect
MONTREAL – Just a few days before the election, a new poll in Quebec shows that Quebec Solidaire’s Françoise David is Quebeckers’ favourite candidate for premier they will not elec Ac…
Celebrity visit to disaster zone helps replenish dwindling supply of celebrities
MANILA – In an act of entertainment humanitarianism, a famous celebrity visited a disaster zone to restock a dangerously low supply of renowned entertainers. “These people have nothing to a…
Report: Kale is the secret to health, longevity, smugness
MONTREAL – According to a report from the Centre for Trendy Greens, consuming Kale twice a week makes you stronger, smarter, and more smug than your peers. “It’s really a miracle food, capa…
13 things you didn’t know were in the Conservative government’s omnibus bill
The federal Conservative government is set to pass a 359 page omnibus bill with a wide-range of new laws. Here are some highlights on what you might have missed: 1. 145 pages of “all work and no …
Toronto Raptors clinch playoffs for first time since last time they played in playoffs
TORONTO – For the first time in probably at least a few years based on everybody’s reaction the Toronto Raptors will be heading to the NBA playoffs this spring. “Everyone counted us out at …
An Independent Quebec would keep calling itself Canada, says Marois
QUEBEC – A sovereign Quebec would not necessarily change its name from Canada to Quebec, PQ leader Pauline Marois admitted at a campaign event on Tuesday night Marois, who previously assert…
The Economist surprises readers by using term ‘gambit’ in story title
LONDON – In a move that has stirred controversy among regular readers, a renowned news and international affairs publication has unearthed an unusual, yet clever term. The Economist magazin…
