Irish orphans used in Heritage Minute still waiting to be adopted

QUEBEC – Despite their pleas for foster parents, the Irish orphans used as actors in a popular Heritage Minute have yet to find a loving home. “We were promised a mom and dad,” said Molly J…

Marineland’s sealife now kept in tanks filled with their own tears

NIAGARA FALLS, ON – A new report from controversial amusement park, Marineland, has revealed that almost all their aquatic animals are living in their own tears. “Really, it’s j…

Report: 10% of entrants on America’s Funniest Home Videos later died from internal bleeding

HOLLYWOOD – A new report by the Film and Television Safety Institute has confirmed that, every year, 10% of the entrants on the hilarious television show America’s Funniest Home Videos have…

Tories allege Trudeau is ‘radical Islamist’ after Liberal leader buys, eats shawarma

MONTREAL — Minister of Public Safety Steve Blaney has accused Justin Trudeau of being a radical Islamist after the Liberal leader allegedly purchased, and consumed, a Middle Eastern dish kn…

Canadians stealing state secrets from China find nothing but Canadian state secrets

DANDONG, CHINA- Two married Canadian nationals accused of stealing state secrets from the Chinese government have admitted to the act of subterfuge, but have claimed that the only secrets they di…

Imperial Metals CEO: ‘I have cousin that’s good at fixing contaminated water’

POLLEY LAKE, BC – The CEO of the mining company that is responsible for contaminating several BC lakes with arsenic, lead, mercury and other heavy metals, is assuring the public that he kno…

United Church scales back inclusiveness by adding in height requirement

TORONTO – In a controversial move, the United Church has implemented a minimum height requirement for all members. “It’s just too easy to get into this Church these days,” Rev. Lawrence Pat…

Best book local man has ever read is only book he’s read since high school

KAMLOOPS, B.C. – Calling it “incredible”, “well-paced”, and “totally unique”, local man Tim Murphy has named Kathryn Stockett’s The Help as the best book he’s ever read. “It’s amazing becau…

BUT THIS IS MY INDOOR VOICE

By: Hon. John Baird OVER MY POLITICAL CAREER THERE HAVE BEEN MANY ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE WHO HAVE THOUGHT MY PRESENCE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TO BE SOMEHOW BOTHERSOME. IT HAS BEEN SOMEWHAT OF…

Harper awards self Victoria Cross for gallant performance at WWI commemoration

OTTAWA – In recognition of his stalwart performance and commitment to national pride at today’s commemoration of the beginning of the First World War, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has reco…