Feds cite ‘Lazy River Ride’ as evidence that waterways are lazy, undeserving of protection
VAUGHAN — After a weekend spent at Splash Works with his family, Conservative MP Peter Kent resolved to remove all remaining protections enjoyed by Canada’s rivers, citing the Lazy River R…
Your monthly horoscope: August 2014
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Thinking about starting a family? Remember, having children requires a sense of optimism about humanity that you haven’t possessed since childhood…
COUNTERPOINT: I thought I was Minister of Veteran Affairs, not Minister of Crybaby Affairs
BY: HON JULIAN FANTINO, MINISTER OF VETERAN AFFAIRS It is critical to provide veterans with the facts about the benefits and services that are available to them so they may get the help they need…
Israel urges US to pull troops out of Ferguson
WASHINGTON – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has urged the United States to pull their troops out of Ferguson, criticizing the military occupation as “an inhumane and unnecessary …
Local abyss tired of getting stared at by creepy philosophers
BURLINGTON, ON – An infinitely dark and enigmatic vortex of existential dread has had enough of being watched and accosted by prominent sages and thinkers. “They all give me this deer-in-th…
Montreal municipal workers grant themselves permit to burn city hall
MONTREAL – Municipal workers in Montreal protesting the province’s pension reform have granted themselves permission to burn down the city’s famed l’Hotel de ville as well as several other …
Rick Mercer quits travel show to pursue comedy
TORONTO – CBC television personality Rick Mercer has announced that this season will be the last of his popular travel show The Rick Mercer Report. “People always tell me I’m funny. I figur…
Report: cooking show competitor might not finish in time
HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic and unforeseen turn of events, Julianna Markus, contestant on popular cooking show Chopped may not be able to finish making her meal before the time limit expires.…
New Health Canada ads educate Canadians on risks of voting Liberal
OTTAWA – Health Canada will release a series of television commercials warning Canadians about the dangers of voting for the Liberal Party. “It’s a gateway to socialism,” said Minister of H…
