New Conservative attack ads target each individual Canadian - The Beaverton

New Conservative attack ads target each individual Canadian

OTTAWA – The Conservative government has announced plans to amp up their election advertisements by releasing 35 million new attack ads aimed at smearing each living Canadian.

“Unfortunately, our attack ads against the opposing parties haven’t quite had the effect we hoped,” said Harper strategist Jane Wilkinson. “So we’ve decided to go straight to the source of their power.”

The ads began airing earlier this week and, like the many Conservative attack ads that preceded them, they pull very few punches.

“Derek screwed up his taxes three times in a row. Derek once lost his dog. Derek hasn’t received a raise in over 10 years. Can you trust Derek to vote for the right party?” said one 30-second commercial about Vancouver-area handyman, Derek Highsmith. “Derek: Bad for you, bad for Canada.”

Wilkinson admits that these ads are harsh, but assured reporters that they serve an important purpose. She explained that, if these ads can inspire just one person to be so disgusted with the democratic process that they don’t vote, then this will all be worth it.

“Jocelyn has been in and out of the hospital for months,” said the ad targeting Jocelyn Cooper, 93, a resident of Perth, Ontario. “Can you trust Jocelyn to make informed, unbiased decisions about Canada’s health care system? No. Trust the party that listens to professional drug companies lobbyists. Trust the Conservatives.”

Asked why these attack ads also target Conservative voters, Wilkinson explained that every Canadian, no matter how right-wing, represents a possible vote for Liberals or the NDP and that this was reason enough to sling mud.

“Franklin is a baby. He’s only been alive on this planet for a year. His economic policies are unintelligible,” said an ad smearing Franklin Smithee Jr., a baby. “Franklin, just not ready.”

At press time, the Conservatives had accidentally released an ad besmirching Calgary resident , as an “unethical idealogue” who will “lead this country to ruin” if elected.