*Editorial Redacted*

BY: MARGARET ATWOOD ██████████ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████…

Scouts cautioned not to feed wild animals hungry for votes

COMOX, BC — Scouts Canada have reminded all members that they should never approach or feed wild politicians. The announcement comes after a close call for three scouts who came very near t…

Harper defends current chief of staff stating he’s at least a year away from prosecution

OTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper defended his current chief of staff’s involvement in the Duffy affair stating that he’s still got plenty of time before authorities catch up to him. H…

Mulcair hastily flushes pot legislation down toilet after parents come home early

OTTAWA – After being surprised by his parents early arrival, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair was forced to dispose of his draft for a marijuana legalization bill. “Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” said Mulcair…

RBC unveils new savings account to pay for banking fees

TORONTO — Canada’s largest, most profitable bank announced today customers can now open a high interest savings account solely reserved for paying the bank’s lavish charges and fees. “RBC w…

Firefighters save town after repeating ‘white rabbit’ to change wind direction

KEREMOS, BC — A small town in the BC interior has been saved from the flames of a forest fire after dozens of firefighters changed the smoke’s direction by repeatedly saying ‘white rabbit’ …

Montreal declared the ‘I don’t know I’m just trying to figure my shit out’ capital of Canada

MONTREAL — Statistics Canada has named Montreal the “I don’t know I’m just trying to figure my shit out” capital of Canada. The researchers provided some of the stat…

Public servant fired for standing near election sign

OTTAWA — Making good on the promise to crack down on public servants participating in politics, the Department of Justice has fired a federal civil servant for standing too close to an elec…

Study on which brownies had weed in them inconclusive

MONCTON, NB – A report conducted earlier today on which of the brownies had weed in them has come back inconclusive after head researcher Dr. Ken Irons lost track of who ate which brownie. …

Stephen Harper offers cursing supporter Senate appointment

TORONTO – During a campaign stop reporters asking questions about the Duffy scandal were cursed at by a Harper supporter, before he was removed and offered a seat in the Senate. “I spoke to…