Encarnacion hits 3 home runs, scores 9 RBIs, ascends to being of pure energy
TORONTO – Following a historic performance of 9 RBIs and 3 home runs, including one Grand Slam, Blue Jays slugger Edwin Encarnacion shocked the capacity crowd at Rogers Center by transmutin…
Thousands of public servants test positive for opinions
OTTAWA — According to a report by the Conservative government, over 12,000 federal public servants have tested positive for opinions. All civil servants must be tested for all forms of view…
Calgary bus driver will only drive straight if forced to drive rainbow pride bus
CALGARY – Calgary transit driver Jesse Rau has said that, if assigned to drive one of Calgary Transit’s rainbow Pride flag buses, he will only drive 100% straight on his route. “Being a Christian…
Local man can’t believe friend’s glasses are so strong
MONTREAL — Panic struck a cafe in Montreal’s NDG last week when a man donned his friend’s glasses for a one-time experiment. Witnesses report that once the glasses were secure on his face, …
Mulcair to balance budget with coupons he’s been saving
BRANTFORD — NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair claims he will balance the budget while launching new government programs during an economic downturn by using his extensive collection of coupons and …
Conservatives claim Canada only country in the world to successfully deny deficit
OTTAWA – Despite a report from the Parliamentary Budget Officer indicating that the nation’s budget will not be balanced, the Conservatives triumphantly announced today that Canada is the f…
Google restructuring allows company to concentrate on exploiting your private data
SAN JOSE – The move to make technology giant Google part of a larger holding company, Alphabet Inc., will allow the company to better focus on running its products as well as on abusing the perso…
Joe Oliver still scheduled to speak at tree house, no girls allowed
TORONTO — Conservative Finance Minister Joe Oliver will appear at an elite all-boys tree house club to woo supporters after cancelling a speech at a men-only club. “Mr. Oliver will st…
Quebec taxi drivers caught taking Uber rides home after protest
MONTREAL – After a protest staged by taxi drivers in downtown Montreal rallying against the ride-sharing service Uber, several protesters were caught using UberX vehicles to get home afterw…
Zombie Walk takes tragic detour through Chainsaw Expo
SEATTLE – Attendees at this summer’s Seattle Zombie Walk met a gruesome and wholly predictable end after taking a detour through the nearby 2015 Husqvarna Chainsaw Expo. The annual Zombie W…
