TORONTO – Canadian broadcasters unveiled their ‘skinny’, Canadian-centric cable packages today, a move that the CRTC says will forever alter the way Canadians cancel their subscriptions.
“This is a real game changer,” said CRTC head Jean-Pierre Blais. “Now when cable customers switch to Netflix they’ll have one more option to briefly consider before they make the obviously better choice.”
The new low-priced package features the best parts of Canadian broadcasting, including commercials, not on-demand viewing, and the news.
“You’d think that limiting the channels without increasing the minimum amount of original Canadian content would be a bad idea. To the untrained eye, it would seem that we’re basically creating cable packages that have neither unique Canadian programming nor any niche American content,” said Blais, while staring at his tablet. “But you’d be wrong because… um… sorry, can we finish this interview later? I’m really into this episode of Better Call Saul.”
Viewers are similarly excited about the options pro new skinny package, which differs depending on the provider. Rogers is offering several major American networks to go along with the mandated Canadian channels, allowing CTV, CBC, and Global viewers to see where their reruns come from. Bell has gone a different route, eschewing large American channels entirely to better focus on the award-winning programming of The Weather Network and the exotic allure of 10 small francophone networks.
“Just $25 for 26 channels?” said local man Henry Lambard. “I can’t wait to subscribe to that for a few months before I remember to cancel my cable altogether.”
While many Millennials have already made the switch to internet viewing, Canadian cable providers believe they can keep older generations subscribed by convincing them that Murdoch Mysteries isn’t available to stream on Netflix.
“All in all, another banner year in the Canadian television hobby,” said Blais. “Sorry, I meant ‘industry’.”