TOP OF A SICK SNOWBOARDING MOUNTAIN – Mountain Dew head office has acknowledged a sharp decline in sales of it’s fizzy garbage water, coinciding with a rapid decrease in radness amongst the North American public.
“IT SEEMS THE WORLD HAS GONE SOFT ON US,” explained the release, written in all caps, with lightning bolts replacing segments of many letters. “IF NONE OF YOU ARE EXTREME ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE DEW, MAYBE IT’S TIME FOR US TO GO FIND A DIFFERENT PLANET!”
Independent analysts have confirmed that the population is overall less extreme than in years past: participation in wicked BMX stunts, glass eating competitions, and bear taunting have all taken steep dives; while most polled had become increasingly interested in overall health, and the use of seat belts.
The company had toyed with the idea of creating less extreme versions of the drink, including Mountain Dew Chamomile and Mountain Dew Reasonable Advice; but market research fared poorly.
“It’s really a shame,” lamented Dew enthusiast Cameron Wyllie as he casually juggled a set of flaming bowling pins while riding a motorcycle inside a steel cage ball. “It’s like, you only get one go-around, right? You gotta cram as much life as you can into every second.”
Wyllie then swallowed a broadsword, hilt and all, before washing it down with a two-litre bottle of Mountain Dew Supernova and executing several flawless breakdance moves.
No one from Mountain Dew could be physically reached for comment, as they had all launched off a ski jump so high that it will still be another two weeks before they land.
