Saskatchewan now world’s top exporter of vastness

SASKATOON – Following successful advertising blitzes in key markets like New York, Beijing, and Mexico City, the Canadian prairie province has eked out the competition to become the world’s…

Leafs to start goalie tarp next game

TORONTO – In the wake of Jonathan Bernier’s blowout loss to the San Jose Sharks the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced that their starting goalie for Wednesday’s game against Columbus will …

Bridge failure gives father, son extra time to sit silently in car on week long roadtrip

NIPIGON RIVER, ON — Thirteen-year-old Jacob Darville and his father, Gordon Darville, were condemned to an additional two days of excruciating silence, Sunday, after a key section of their …

El Chapo chooses life in jail over five more minutes with Sean Penn

VICTORIA DE DURANGO, MEX. — Fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman ended his six-month run from the law this week, when he surrendered himself to Mexican authorities on condition t…

Public puts on red shoes, dances blues

SUFFRAGETTE CITY – Following the death of legendary musician and artist, David Bowie – who is now ashes to ashes, just as he was entering his golden years – the people of the wo…

NDP orders Mulcair to take a few online leadership courses at Athabasca University

OTTAWA — After an election defeat that reduced his party’s seats from 95 to 44, NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair has been ordered to take online courses in leadership, management and organizationa…

George R. R. Martin threatens to kill himself off in next Thrones book

SANTA FE — After Game of Thrones fans responded with outrage to his announcement that he will be unable to deliver another novel before the premiere of the franchise’s next TV season, autho…

New York Times ranks Toronto as #7 best tourist destination, #1 most likely to never shut up about it

TORONTO — Torontonians are celebrating this weekend after the New York Times, America’s newspaper of record, named their city a top tourist spot for 2016, only then to name Toronto resident…

US dollar tells Canadian dollar to stop hitting itself

INTERNATIONAL – Following an early morning noogie and a brutal shoe-lacing before lunch, the USD is spending its recess telling the CAD to stop hitting itself. “Stop hitting yourself,…

Local bar’s taps just pouring flies

INNISFIL, ON – Although they’re connected to a full keg and should theoretically be pouring beer, nothing but dead and live flies have come out of the draft taps at O’Halloran’s for the las…