Northern telecommunications company known for unpredictable outages vows to improve hold music
YELLOWKNIFE — A recent spate of internet and phone disruptions has lead Northwestel to drastically improve the quality and variety of recorded music for customers waiting to complain about …
Keystone XL execs wonder what to do with 200,000 ‘Bitumen Is My Homeboy’ t-shirts
CALGARY — TransCanada Corporation is clueless about what to do with hundreds of thousands of pro-Keystone pipeline t-shirts now that US President Barack Obama has turned down the $8 billion…
Daniel Craig loses Bond role after his new tan deemed “too dark”
LOS ANGELES – The author of the latest Bond novel has called for Daniel Craig to be fired after arriving to the Spectre premiere with a tan he believes is “too dark” to properly represent the cha…
Being buried alive by nemesis now leading cause of death for young Canadians
OTTAWA – A recent paper by an inter-disciplinary panel has revealed that being entombed by one’s mortal enemy is now the most common cause of death among Canadians. “This really surprised u…
Construction nears completion on future abandoned building
WHITEHORSE — Construction is almost finished on a brand new six-story building in downtown Whitehorse that is expected to be the first abandoned one of 2017. “We look forward to this becomi…
Conservatives once again appoint a woman to clean up their mess
OTTAWA — Keeping a longstanding tradition alive that dates back to 1993, the Conservative Party has selected woman MP Rona Ambrose to tidy up the mess left by patriarch Stephen Harper. “The…
Marc Garneau fulfills childhood dream of becoming a Minister of Transport
OTTAWA – During yesterday’s cabinet appointments, former astronaut Marc Garneau was thrilled to discover that he had been made Minister of Transport, thus achieving his lifelong dream. “I c…
80% of TTC wifi traffic just emails explaining lateness
TORONTO – A new study published by an independent technology research group says that 80% of the Toronto Transit Commission’s new free Wi-Fi network activity is just emails communicat…
Starbucks marks Remembrance Day by remembering Christmas is seven weeks away
CLARINGTON, ON — Starbucks locations from across Canada are marking November 11th by festively reminding customers that the Holidays are only a mere seven weeks away. “We are honouring our …
Trudeau names former babysitter Minister of Letting Me Stay Up to Watch the First 10 Minutes of SNL
OTTAWA – Moments after being sworn in as Canada’s 23rd Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau tapped childhood friend and former babysitter Dominic LeBlanc to be his Minister of Letting Me Stay Up To Wat…
