‘Hockey Night’ experience gives Rogers courage to ruin Blue Jays

TORONTO – Having successfully rebranded Hockey Night in Canada from a beloved cultural institution into an unwatchable orgy of corporate synergy, Rogers Communications says it’s finally ready to …

Elaborate conspiracy to underpay Gillian Anderson for X-Files reboot revealed to be just ordinary sexism

HOLLYWOOD – Following revelations that Fox attempted to pay X-Files star Gillian Anderson half the salary of her male co-star, what many had assumed to be a shadowy conspiracy stretching to…

Viral video: ultra orthodox Jews touch crustaceans for the first time

NEW YORK — A video showing a group of ultra orthodox Jews touching crabs, lobsters, shrimp and oysters for the first time is going viral worldwide. The website that produced the five minute…

Gregory Elliot now free to harass that cutie in the jury

TORONTO – After being cleared of two charges of criminal harassment in a high-profile case this afternoon, Toronto-man Gregory Elliot is now free to begin sending aggressive escalating mess…

Local man supports equality as long as he doesn’t have to give up privilege

NORTH AMERICA – As women and minorities seek more equitable treatment in politics, education, and the workforce, one man, Derek Smith, has promised to support their cause as long as he can …

All of nation’s ampersands drawn the wrong way

TORONTO – A 76-page report released by the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education has revealed that “every last one” of the ampersands created by hand in Canada has been drawn incorrectly. “A…

Assault rifles to give Toronto police confidence to handle scared teens with knives

TORONTO – Dozens of Toronto police officers will soon be equipped with semi-automatic assault rifles, which the force hopes will help allay some issues officers have had in dealing with fri…

Uber passengers impressed with speed, efficiency of uninsured collisions

TORONTO – With the Uber ridesharing service now transporting thousands of riders in Toronto daily, many customers are reporting being impressed by Uber’s approach to collision insurance, na…

Hotel janitor getting real sick of bleeding walls

GREY PEAK, AB – After thirteen years as custodian of the historic Everwatch Inn, Gerald Davis is fed up with cleaning the rivulets of human blood that constantly seep from the hotel’s…

Local mom gifts daughter item clearly bought for herself

Markham, ON — Local mother Wendy Reese has confirmed allegations that the most recent gift she gave to her daughter Sarah Reese was, in fact, initially purchased for herself. The item in qu…