TORONTO – Reports of smashed windows, wrecked vehicles, and other wide scale property damage are coming in from around the nation today as thousands of pumpkins continue to fall from the sky, marking the first day of Autumn.
“Wait, is it September 22nd?” asked Regina man Jerry Palmer, who had forgotten to attach pumpkin-shields to his now demolished Nissan this morning. “Shit, I knew I should have just gotten coverage for this.”
The oppressive barrage of pumpkins is expected to continue well into the evening, ending at approximately 11 AM Eastern Standard Time this year. As always, severe weather warnings are in effect and Canadians are advised not to step outside.
“This time of year always sneaks up on you, doesn’t it,” said Ottawa woman Dana Keeley. “One day you’re going to the beach and soaking up sun, the next there’s smashed vegetable-matter piled two feet high in your backyard.”
At press time, the nation’s fathers and husband are still grumbling about how they just raked the leaves yesterday.
