Van Halen implicated in Panama Papers

PASADENA – As further details emerge from the Panama Papers leak, rock band Van Halen have now been linked to the scandal. In a statement, the International Consortium of Investigative Jour…

New Manitoba Premier gives victory speech from Costa Rican beachfront property

SAN JOSE, COSTA RICA —  After a dramatic majority victory in today’s provincial election, Premier-elect Brian Pallister of Manitoba gave a moving acceptance speech from his tropical beachfr…

Hollywood Producers Association study proves Asians actually just an urban legend

CALIFORNIA –  A recent study sponsored by the Hollywood Producers Association has confirmed the industry’s long suspected belief that so-called “Asian” human beings are nothing but an old w…

Local father regales family with stories of battles fought against telecommunications providers

KINGSTON — Late last night, local father Paul Mallory gathered his family by the fire to recount many illustrious battles fought against major telecommunications providers. Speaking to his …

9 majestic Canadian Parks ruined by lack of wifi

As beautiful and inspiring as these Canadian destinations are, they still don’t have access to wifi, which ruins the entire experience. G’waii Haanas National Park flickr.com / Sam Beebe Located …

Trudeau says he is ‘proud to be a feminist arms dealer’

OTTAWA – Earlier today, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reaffirmed his support for feminism, and for making billions of dollars in the sales of military supplies to despotic regimes, in an ho…

Local survivor gnaws off own arm to escape street canvasser

TORONTO – In a harrowing tale of survival, local hiker Todd Barnett has managed to escape a street canvasser by removing his left arm with nothing but his own front teeth. “I’m an experienc…

Attawapiskat First Nation receives urgent airdrop of committee reports

ATTAWAPISKAT – Following the declaration of a state of emergency over recent suicide attempts in the remote First Nation settlement, the Canadian government has wasted no time airlifting in…

Melting snow reveals dozens of discarded MPs on Parliament lawn

OTTAWA – Spring has finally arrived in the nation’s capital, revealing a winter’s worth of discarded legislators strewn across the Parliamentary lawn that were, until recently, concealed under la…

Pope Francis admits he meant to invite Larry David, not Bernie Sanders, to Vatican

VATICAN CITY – In a stunning admission Friday afternoon, Pope Francis confessed that he mistakenly invited Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, instead of American comedian Larry Dav…