Shy man eager to be cajoled into dancing
Sudbury, ON – Local partygoer Andrew Heath, currently appearing to be enjoying a calm and pleasant drink, is in reality counting down the seconds until someone loudly and showily pulls him …
Trump demands to see long form copy of Clinton’s woman card
NEW YORK — During an interview on the Today show, Republican candidate Donald Trump once again accused Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton of playing the “woman’s card” to her advantage in…
Carly Fiorina instantly drives Cruz campaign into bankruptcy
WASHINGTON, DC — Republican primary candidate Ted Cruz announced yesterday that he will name fired Hewlett Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina as his running mate, moments before she drove his cam…
Naturopathic Colleges investigating 100% of their members for unscientific health claims
TORONTO – Naturopathic Colleges in five provinces are investigating every single one of their members in response to complaints that they may be making unscientific claims or offering servi…
Nation’s Rebeccas launch #NotAllBeckys campaign
TORONTO — The nation’s Rebeccas are outraged at being allegedly targeted by Beyonce in her latest album Lemonade. Released last Saturday, the album has ignited a national alert as the entir…
Local woman’s life doesn’t pass the Bechdel test
OAKVILLE — If the life of Isabelle Henley, local paralegal, wife, and mother, were made into a movie, critics agree it would fail the Bechdel test. “Most days I wake up, ask my sons what th…
Canadian Revenue Agency unable to figure out where mattress company hiding its profits
OSHAWA, ON – Despite searching through the recently leaked Panama Papers for shell companies, looking into offshore banks, and checking for any potential money laundering operations, the CR…
Bandwagon fan proudly brings Jays gear to Raptors game
TORONTO – Local man Joseph Dorn, who regularly and loudly proclaims that he “lives and bleeds Toronto sports” has accidentally worn his Jose Bautista jersey and several other baseball-relat…
Margaret Wente now required to submit columns through Turnitin.com
TORONTO – Faced with new allegations of plagiarism, Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente will now be required to submit all of her work to the student essay checking service Turnitin.com…
Cruz, Kasich announce joint plan to go back in time to stop Donald Trump from being born
WASHINGTON, D.C. — GOP Presidential Candidates Ted (“Teddy”) Cruz and John (“Johnny”) Kasich have announced that they will put aside their differences in order to travel back in time and st…
