TORONTO – After decades of work during the greatest mass extinction since the Cretaceous, local conservationist Delina Jones is just going to set herself an achievable goal for 2017, by keeping rats from going extinct.
“I just want to be able to put something in the win column, for once,” said Jones. “And let’s be real, that win is not going to be the Siberian Tiger.”
Because rats thrive in urban environments, Jones says they’ll likely survive the effects of climate change, at least until it wipes out the entire human race as well.
“Terrible as they are, I don’t think even the Australians would be able to pour enough fertilizer runoff on enough rats to destroy them like they’ve done to the Great Barrier Reef,” Jones said. “And if Australians can’t ruin something, then maybe, just maybe, it can survive.”
After watching the Clouded Leopard, Sumatran Rhino, and Javan Tiger driven to extinction by poachers, Jones also says she began to like the rat’s chances, since nobody thinks consuming part of its body is going to make their shitty dick get hard again. However, not all are convinced her Save The Rats initiative will succeed.
“The writing’s on the wall: mammals are on the way out,” said fellow-conservationist Raymond James. “At this point, I’m just going to focus on saving the antibiotic-resistant bacteria.”
Nevertheless, Jones has hope that rats will survive the year, unlike seagulls the last of which died in captivity in December.
