Fading stock photo star recalls when it was her face on the bus ad
FREDERICTON – With her stock model glory all but forgotten, Mary Ellesmere reflected on the height of her career when she was featured on a local bus advertisement. From humble beginnings, …
Kellie Leitch initiates diplomatic relations with Trump by borrowing dog whistle
OTTAWA — In a symbolic gesture aimed at demonstrating the “shared values” she hopes will serve as the foundation of strong diplomatic relations between her party and U.S. President-elect Do…
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Cohen family unsure what song to play at Leonard Cohen’s funeral
LOS ANGELES – Sources inside the Cohen family say they are having difficulty picking a song to play for the beloved singer-songwriter’s upcoming funeral. According to senior Cohen family me…
Bicycle cops fail to apprehend own dignity
MONTREAL – Calling it “the one that got away,” a group of four police officers failed to apprehend their own dignity while riding the streets of Montreal on bicycles. The incident occurred …
2023 poppies “extra stabby” to help Canadians appreciate soldiers’ sacrifice
OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their 2023 poppies were designed for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians better reme…
The Donald Trump apocalypse begins
In this special preview of The Beaverton‘s first episode, Emma Hunter and Miguel Rivas provide complete coverage of the 2016 Presidential election. Donald Trump has won the Presidenc…
Nation relieved to hear Ebola just in Winnipeg
OTTAWA – Upon hearing that a lab technician was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus, Canadians were relieved to hear that the exposure only occurred in Winnipeg. “Oh, thank God,” explained …
Nation’s parents wake up to tell kids elaborate, four-year lie
WASHINGTON, DC – After waking up and fretting this morning’s conversation at the breakfast table, approximately 150 million American parents stammered their way through roughly the exact sa…
Obituary for America
Sad news from Washington as the United States of America was found dead yesterday.…
