Canadian journalist held captive overseas by chatty friend from college
TEHRAN, IRAN – Officials have confirmed that the journalist being held hostage in a leaked Instagram video is Ottawa resident Emilia Allens. “It’s a very tense situation: Ms. Allens a…
Nation’s Millennials celebrate four days of time-and-a-half pay
CANADA- The nation’s underemployed Millennials have reason to be excited as this July 1st weekend marks the ancient four-day celebration of time-and-a-half pay, thus allowing them to finally earn…
As a giant rubber duck, I demand to know why I am here
Canada’s sesquicentennial is a joyous event, I gather. And so far, I have seen some of your waterfront and had my picture taken with many of your citizens, many of whom seem to be happy at the si…
Study: tea bag string dropping into hot water God’s way of saying “Fuck you, Darryl”
PARIS — Researchers from France have confirmed that when your tea bag string falls into a hot cup of water, little paper tab and all, it is God’s very personal way of saying “Yeah guess wha…
I’m starting to think I might not do great in prison – by Jared Kushner
You know, there’s something about being investigated by the FBI for attempting to set up a dubious back-channel to the Kremlin that just gets a guy thinking. People are using words like “es…
Counter-protesters to First Nations tepee on Parliament Hill set up traditional suburb
OTTAWA – Counter-protesters have erected a traditional sprawling suburb on Parliament Hill in response to a group of grassroots indigenous activists who set up a tepee for the Canada 150 ce…
Report: Girlfriend has weirdly shaped measuring cup
PORT PERRY, ON – Early reports indicate that Nick Wincenty’s common-law partner, Tracey Miriana, has small, silicone measuring cup for some unknown purpose. Wincenty made the perplexing dis…
Guide To: Canada 150
Everything you need to know to celebrate the birthday of a perfectly fine country.…
REPORT: Nation still using Dave’s Netflix account
MISSISSAUGA – An investigation by the Netflix Data Engineering and Analytics team has found that each of the approximately 36.5 million Canadians is currently logged in to Dave’s Netflix account.…
Firefighters use Jaws of Life to extract Christy Clark from BC Premiership
VICTORIA – Firefighters were called to the BC Legislature this afternoon to extract Liberal leader Christy Clark, who chained herself to the Premier’s desk and refused to leave until her Li…
