OTTAWA – The rest of the country’s evening has been made worse after a sports championship was won by a team from Toronto. Upon hearing that the Toronto Argonauts defeated the Calgary Stampeders...
Grey Cup fever sweeps tens of people
OTTAWA – Reports from in and around TD Place Stadium say Grey Cup fever is sweeping almost 3 dozen people. The game between the Calgary Stampeders and the Toronto Argonauts is projected to attra...
Help! I don’t know I’m a terrible parent!
Oh boy, am I in over my head! And the worst part about it? I don’t even realize it. Here I am, in the grocery store, when one of my kids asks me question. You know, the kind of basic question that sev...
Problem no longer in the news probably solved by now
NORTH AMERICA – After dropping out of the 24-hour news cycle several months ago, mainstream media experts are reporting that all problems across the world have been solved by now, probably. “Whe...
Local man finds romantic success by texting unsolicited dog pics
KINGSTON, ON – Reports from yesterday evening have found that 26-year-old Tommy Freen has come across unprecedented courting success by switching out pictures of his penis that no one asked for ...
CIA coup of United States apparently delayed one more day
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Putting off plans that everyone assumes were drawn up as soon as election results were confirmed, the CIA has seemingly balked once again at overthrowing the dangerous and uns...
Government gives Yazidi refugees monthly stipend with enough to live on in 1993
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
Peter Kent calls for moment of silence to commemorate thousands of Canadians killed by marijuana overdoses
OTTAWA – Conservative MP Peter Kent called for the House of Commons to offer a moment of silence for the thousands of Canadians who die in marijuana overdoses each year. The Thornhill MP who rec...
Medical AI working as self-driving car after foreign credentials rejected
WATERLOO – After having its medical credentials rejected due to their overseas origin by professional health organizations, an artificial intelligence smart enough to be a doctor has only been a...
Scientists discover alternate universe where people listen to them
UNITED KINGDOM — Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson shocked the scientific community on Monday when he announced evidence of an alternate universe in which people actually listen to scient...
