LAUSANNE, SUI – In the wake of the International Olympic Committee’s ban on Russian athletes at next year’s Winter Olympics for doping, The Russian Federation announced that it will return to it...
Study: Rats don’t like it when scientists give them cancer
ST. CATHARINES – After years of clinical trials a group of researchers at Brock University have conclusively proven that rats do not enjoy being given cancer. “For as long as humanity has known ...
QUIZ: Jesus, what was that, a deer?
Oh, shit. Holy shit, Jesus. What the hell was that, it shot out right in front of the car. Jesus Christ, look at the hood of the car! What was that, like a deer or something? Take this quiz and find o...
DC lawyers insist Trump cannot be found guilty of obstruction of justice because he doesn’t know the word ‘obstruction’
WASHINGTON — Following Donald Trump’s apparent admission via Twitter that he was aware of criminal wrongdoing when he asked former FBI director James Comey to halt an investigation into former aide Mi...
Revealed: Boomers plan to waste all their money buying bobbleheads in final fuck you to future generations
KITCHENER, ON – Evidence from multiple sources points to a far-reaching plot by baby boomers to waste all the money that could be willed to future generations by purchasing millions and millions...
Quebec asks store clerks to punch English-speakers in the face repeatedly
Quebec City – The provincial legislature of Quebec has unanimously passed a motion encouraging retail workers to promote the use of French by punching English-speaking customers in the face repe...
Innovative captains of industry discover cheaper, more efficient labour method called “employing women”
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. March 30th, 1915 MONTREAL — While our brave boys are off fighting Fritz on the ...
Adorable! This small town thinks their film festival is relevant!
Stop what you’re doing right now because this adorable small town is going to melt your heart with its sweet innocence! Whitwell, Manitoba is home to the darling 4 year old Whitwell Weekend Film Festi...
Panic grips Vancouver after massive flaming ball appears in sky
VANCOUVER – After over one hundred years of continuous rain, a phenomenon experts are calling “the sun” appeared in the skies over Vancouver today, causing widespread alarm, sporadic rioting and...
STUDY: 9 out of 10 women would replace finger with never-ending ChapStick
GUELPH, ON – With the arrival of cold weather, a new study has determined that 9 out of 10 women would gladly remove one of their fingers to install a permanent, everlasting tube of ChapStick. “...
