Mistrial declared after judge found to be three children in judicial gown
WINDSOR, ON – An Ontario courtroom was thrown into turmoil today after it was discovered that the presiding judge was in fact three children hiding under a judicial gown. The children, aged…
“Italy didn’t qualify for the World Cup because you’re too skinny,” claims Nonna
WOODBRIDGE, ON – After an aggregate 1-0 loss to Sweden in the playoff stages of World Cup qualifying, one Nonna seems to have the answer to explain the nation’s first qualification failure …
Permanent road to Arctic Ocean means endangered species can hitchhike away from climate change
TUKTOYAKTUK, NT – With the completion of a permanent road connecting Inuvik to Tuktoyaktuk, endangered and at-risk species can finally flee the the effects of climate change by hitchhiking …
Louis C.K. scandal only thing keeping local man from jerking off at work right this very second
PETERBOROUGH–Reports have confirmed that the recent scandal around beloved comedian Louis C.K.’s behavior is the one and only thing keeping local man Rick Ergin from rubbing one out at work…
General Brock’s dying words: “Name a mediocre university after me”
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. October 13th, 1812 QUEENSTON – With the Yankee foes vanquished from …
Dead body not as exciting as group of ten year olds thought it would be
Abbotsford B.C. – After embarking on a series of misadventures on their search for a rumoured corpse, local children Luke Fecks, Talbi Singh and Kyle Dobbs, were ultimately underwhelmed by …
Children to remember local father as constantly tired
FREDERICTON, NB – Local father Andrew Stevens is, according to everyone who knows him, an excellent father who gets the privilege of spending a lot of quality time with his two children, Hu…
“I know exactly how to fix America” claims teenager who just watched Fight Club for the first time
COCHRANE, AB – Local teen Ryan Killicky claims that he has the answer of how to fix the massive social and political turmoil occurring within the United States, and that the solution lies w…
TV series you watched every single episode of in one night just okay
YOUR LIVING ROOM – After watching all three seasons of that new Netflix show in a single sitting, you got up from your nest of blankets, crumbs, and pillows that you rage-screamed into — an…
Tax Evasion
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton television series.…
