Nike encourages Americans to buy Colin Kaepernick merchandise to show support/ burn in protest

PORTLAND, OR — Following the announcement that Colin Kaepernick will be their new spokesperson, Nike is encouraging all Americans to buy as much of the Kaepernick merchandise as possible, e…

Labour Day parade’s precarious workers float cancelled last minute after being called into work

HAMILTON – The Precarious Worker’s float was pulled out of Hamilton’s Labour Day Parade an hour before festivities were to begin after all of the participants, including the flatbed truck t…

Local woman runs at night because her greatest motivator is fear

KINGSTON, ON – Tired of giving up halfway through her daytime workouts, Kate Brown starts all her 5 km runs after 9:30 pm to ensure she stays motivated and afraid. “I’m just not a gym person,” Ka…

Neutral Samaritan takes note of mugging

WINDSOR, ON- An armed mugging was dramatically not foiled last night by local neutral Samaritan Kyle Gierst. Gierst, who witnessed the incident from across the street, took complete notice, and o…

Ruling against Trans Mountain protects Pacific coal tankers from oilsands tankers

VANCOUVER — The landmark ruling against the Trans Mountain Pipeline expansion was heralded as a win for BCs massive pod of coal tankers and the people who love them. “Today we can res…

National Energy Board insists texting ‘we cool?’ counts as consulting First Nations

CALGARY – On Thursday, the Federal Court of Appeals quashed the proposed Trans Mountain pipeline expansion project, citing as part of their supporting evidence a mass text sent from the Nat…

Notley sets fire to Banff National Park to protest pipeline ruling

BANFF, AB – Alberta’s Premier Rachel Notley announced that she will be destroying Banff National Park to protest the Federal Court of Appeal’s decision to block the construction of the Tran…

After-work nap turns into full night’s sleep

MONCTON, NB — Arising from a particularly restful nap, Terry Roman discovered that her after-work doze turned out to be a full blown night’s sleep. “It’s just so unbelievable,” claimed an u…

5 ways to cure your Resting Corruption Face

Are you a politician or businessman? Do your friends and colleagues often ask “Are you okay?”, “Have you been embezzling money?” or “How do you feel about human rights violations?”. If you get th…

Conservative aunt remarks, “It’s just a bad year for wildfires” for fourth year in row

WHITE ROCK, B.C. – With the haze of wildfire smoke as thick as her Mary Kay smokey eye, conservative-leaning aunt, Linda Bertolucci, calmly assured her family, “It’s just a bad year for wil…