A&W now only serving chicken raised without antibiotics, hope for the future
NORTH VANCOUVER, BC – Following the success of progressive initiatives like paper straws and the Beyond Meat burger, A&W Canada, who has already committed to using chickens raised witho…
New Brunswick happy to make national news not related to tragedy
MONCTON, NB – Citizens across the province of New Brunswick were celebrating the accomplishment of making national news from coast to coast that wasn’t related in any way to a tragic event.…
If re-elected, Tory promises to increase flooding until Toronto a gondola-filled Venice of the North
TORONTO – With the mayoral election less than a month away, John Tory is running on his record of turning Toronto into a stormwater-flooded city of breathtaking waterways. “Imagine it,” sai…
Canada promises to regulate legal cannabis with same fairness and efficiency as telecommunications
OTTAWA – Addressing concerns that many Canadians have about the imminent legalisation of recreational cannabis, the federal government has committed to applying the same common sense polici…
KitchenAid’s new abduction oven rapidly cooks, steals your meal
BENTON HARBOUR, MI – Appliance manufacturer KitchenAid has complemented its lineup of induction and convection products with a state-of-the-art abduction oven that briskly prepares and then kidna…
Who didn’t set their gym on fire and murder dozens of classmates when they were a teenager?
By Carrie White As I watched the claims against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanuagh unfold last week, I admit I was disturbed. Not by the alleged details themselves, but by everyone’s rush to j…
South Korea mandates conscription of youth into K-Pop groups
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As an escalation of the global culture war, South Korea has mandated the conscription of all its youth to serve time in a K-Pop group. At the age of seventeen all South…
Clean up continues after annual Ford Fest orgy
Vaughan, ON – Combing through the piles of empty drink cups and bottles of lube, efforts are still underway to clean up after this year’s annual Ford Fest fuck spree, with many attendees no…
Irving Corporation to announce the real winners of New Brunswick election before polls close
FREDERICTON – The CEOs of Irving Group of Companies will declare the official winners of the New Brunswick election later tonight well before polls close for the non-official election. Citi…
Sweater mostly cat hair at this point
MONTAGUE, PEI – Sporting her favourite sweater for a weekend gathering, friends of local woman Theresa McCallum, 34, revealed today that the black turtleneck she was wearing was undeniably …
