Cash-strapped NRA lays off "Thoughts" department to focus solely on "Prayers" - The Beaverton

Cash-strapped NRA lays off “Thoughts” department to focus solely on “Prayers”

FAIRFAX, VA – Following news from the National Rifle Association that revenue has decreased by $55 million over the past year, the gun-rights group has announced it will be shuttering the “Thoughts” division of its “Department of Thoughts and Prayers.”

“Fundraising has been tough since Obama left office without taking our guns with him,” stated NRA president Oliver North at the NRA’s annual meeting on Tuesday. “I mean, school shootings are great, but they’re not going to keep the lights on around here. We need to make some cuts.”

The financially troubled organization targeted its “Thoughts” division after an efficiency review found little actual thinking to justify the expense. “It’s not like it was our strong suit,” said North. “So we’re going to stick with what we know: a white male God that supports the 2nd Amendment and doesn’t understand women probably.”

Despite the move, many experts predict an inevitable decline in the advocacy group’s influence, particularly in light of recent U.S. elections that saw a record number of candidates win their offices on gun-control platforms. By appropriating traditionally thought-based tactics – such as learning facts, citing evidence, and using common-sense – they’ve left the NRA with little recourse but to talk out loud to nobody in particular.

“Normally we save our prayers for shooting victims – it’s great marketing,” North told the assembled NRA members. “But now we’re budgeting 12% of our prayers to ask the ultimate ‘Good Guy with a Gun’ to pop a cap in our debt’s ass. I mean, we send him more than 15,000 innocent souls every year, you can’t put a price on that. Unless that price is $55 million.”

Image via Pixabay
Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!