Insufferable hipster blossoms into insufferable yuppie - The Beaverton
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Insufferable hipster blossoms into insufferable yuppie

VICTORIA, B.C. — Friends and family of local man James Yorn have reported a mixture of joy and pride on seeing their friend mature from a shallow, self-absorbed, pretentious to an equally goddamn horrible .

The metamorphosis has reportedly unfolded akin to a larvae turning into a butterfly, if they were both garbage. Yorn’s shift from youthfully irritating to a more solid and advanced version of being the absolute fucking worst officially occurred on the night of his 29th birthday, when he announced he would switch from smoking a pipe to vaping.

Additional changes include Yorn from working as a bike messenger to meet chicks, to now paying $300 to attend spin class. His loved ones report that further changes also appeared in his conversational style.

“Oh yeah, in his 20’s, you couldn’t get through a conversation with him without him slipping in these references to how obscure his music tastes were,” Yorn’s older brother, Michael, told reporters. “It’d be nothing but him coming in at 2 AM to wake me up and tell me how awesome this Swedish hip-hop act that’s only in town for one night was,” he explained.

“Now, he’ll just complain ad nauseum about how overly in-demand his therapist is and how that the city is only worth driving in if you have bangin’ Bose sound system. He’s really matured into a completely different kind of utterly deplorable goddamn asshole.”

Friends have also marked a noticeable maturation in Yorn’s approach to dating, which is now different, though nonetheless completely nauseating. “I remember in college, he would break up with girls if he told them a joke based on Camus’s The Stranger and they didn’t laugh,” Yorn’s friend Thomas Kern told reporters. “Now, he’ll only break up with a girl if she thinks barefoot running is stupid.”

“Thank god,” he added with a laugh.

Loved ones are also pleased with Yorn’s shift to different—but equally repulsive–priorities with respect to living situation. “It used to be that James wouldn’t even agree to look at an apartment if it didn’t have the right amount of exposed brick and a rooftop you could ‘really get a rager going on,’” girlfriend Leah Meyer told reporters. “Now, he’s inconveniencing those house-hunting with him for way more adult reasons, like not being close enough to a decent organic wine bar and having public schools that are way too nice.”

At press time, sources concede that despite these recent changes, Yorn’s vinyl collection is still the soul-sucking worst, but, oddly enough, in largely the same way it was in his 20’s.

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