Polls indicate Toronto mayoral frontrunner is Doug Ford wearing John Tory’s face as a mask
TORONTO – As residents head to the polls this morning, all signs suggest that the city’s new mayor is likely to be Doug Ford wearing John Tory’s face as a mask. Polling data suggests the Ford-Tor…
First-time eligible voter excited to make up first excuse for not voting
TORONTO – After turning eighteen over a week ago, Neal Furlong is anxiously looking forward to the upcoming election so he can lie about why he didn’t vote for the very first time in his li…
London’s new scratch ballots give voters 1/14 chance of picking mayoral candidate of their choice
LONDON, ON – Adding excitement of a cheap thrill of gambling to voting, the city of London is carrying out its first election with its new Scratch-n-Vote balloting system. The local governm…
John Tory stunned to learn he can’t send butler to vote for him
TORONTO — As Torontonians head to the polls, Mayor John Tory is reportedly shocked that he cannot send his butler, Reginald Percy Shillingsworth, to cast his ballot for him. “What? You expe…
Heroic purse adorned with hand sanitizer keychain becomes humanity’s final hope against contagious epidemic
EDMONTON – In an alarming new report from the Public Health Agency of Canada, one handbag embellished with several hand sanitizer keychains has become the nation’s only hope against an impe…
Truck nuts lovingly placed into winter storage
FORT MCMURRAY, AB – Protecting his prized possession from the harsh elements, local man Terrence McGillivery, has lovingly placed his chrome truck nuts, which he displays on the hitch of hi…
Woman who subscribes to 4 podcasts about child murder described as ‘happy-go-lucky’
CALGARY — Local woman Katie Johnston, who listens to approximately 3-5 longform stories each week involving grizzly deaths and/or serious crimes against innocent, usually helpless people, is cons…
Final Vancouver election polls show dead heat between ‘Wait, there’s an election?’ and ‘Oh, that explains the yard signs’
VANCOUVER – The race to replace retiring Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson ends today and polls show it’s a toss up between people who don’t know there’s an election and people who’ve just l…
Top 5 Leonard Cohen diss tracks
Leonard Cohen: artist, poet, man who has a lot of beefs. With a posthumous poem released this week in which Cohen writes, “Kanye West is not Picasso”, many fans were shocked by Cohen’s saltiness.…
