Kingston, ON — Upon completing his dinner, Joe Johnston, age 8 months and two weeks, would very very much like to share his mashed sweet potato with you.
“At first I was like, no I’m fine”, described Sandy Johnston, 38, Joe’s mother. “I kept redirecting the spoon back to his mouth, maybe eight or nine times. Then finally I gave in and took a ‘fake bite’ of the sweet potato mash, though at this point it was mostly drool.” The exhausted mother continued, “Well apparently that bite wasn’t good enough for Joe, because with a full evil glint in his eyes, he immediately shoved the spoon in my mouth again. Then my eye.”
While babies traditionally learn to feed themselves through trial and error, Johnston, from the moment he learned how to hold a spoon, had demonstrated a singular vision; to sloppily force feed you whatever he was eating. And while this is a common trait among infants, both of Johnston’s parents (as well as numerous relatives) agree that Johnston is “relentless” and “will not stop until he jams that tiny plastic spoon sharply into your mouth, and then your ear”.
“It’s happening so often, that I’m kinda starting to enjoy the food,” explained clearly sleep-deprived father Steven Johnston. “The other night my wife and I went out for our anniversary dinner at this fancy restaurant, and to be honest, I wasn’t into it. Unless my chicken has been hurled to the floor several times and then mashed in and around a baby’s mouth, I’m not about it.”
Johnston sighed, “Hey, they do say your palate changes as you age.”
At this time, no scientific means exists to discern exactly what Johnston is getting out of sharing his disgusting, spittle-filled baby mash with you. However, his parents have clung to a silver lining, namely that if Joe likes to share his food then he must be displaying a sort of empathy; thus proving that “he’s not one of those sociopath babies”.
“He’s quite driven”, explained child psychologist Dania Ratner. “Joe has displayed mannerisms of wanting to share his food, but not much else. When I was observing him, I noted how he refused to share his ‘Sofie the Giraffe’, yet gladly shoved a raisin up my nose.”
Whatever Joe’s reasons, both parents confirm that meal time now consists largely of them watching in amazement as Joe acts all “baby drunk”, yet has utter clarity while jamming that food in your face. They ultimately believe that Joe’s sole mission may be to make meal time “as icky as possible”.
At press time, Johnston has moved on to sharing a half gummed-up and bruised banana, while attempting to scratch your face off.