Industrious woman spends entire night calculating the hours she has left to sleep - The Beaverton

Industrious woman spends entire night calculating the hours she has left to sleep

TORONTO – Fresh off a week of sleepless nights, local insomniac Amy Woodford decided to try a brilliant new tactic of meticulously mentally documenting how many hours of rest she could hypothetically get if she went to right at that very moment.

“When I first went to bed, I was like, ‘Sweet, if I pass out right now I’ll get a solid nine hours and finally pull myself out of this exhaustion spiral,” Woodford explained, sipping her fifth cup of coffee that morning. “It was a perfect plan. Then I got distracted on Facebook. But it was okay, because when I put my phone down I realized I could still get six hours and thirty-seven minutes if I miraculously and improbably fell asleep right then and there.”

“After that, I stared at ceiling for God knows how long, remembering the time I waved at the wrong person on the subway. This greatly impacted my calculations because hey, if I get four hours starting now I could still technically function the next day! The next thing I knew, I had to get ready for work. Yes, I do want to die.”

Sleep specialist Linda Forrest said this behaviour makes perfect sense.

“It’s imperative to know exactly how long you’ll be able to sleep for,” she said in a phone interview from her clinic at the . “As we all know, the best kind of sleep is the sleep you are obsessively desperate to get in order to exist as a human being. It’s just science.”

Woodford says she’s confident her calculations will result in slumber eventually.

“I’ll try harder tonight,” she insisted, popping a handful of caffeine pills. “It’ll work. Otherwise I’ll have to develop a more healthy lifestyle with an emphasis on a proper sleep schedule, and that just sounds exhausting.”

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