VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has officially proven that – similar to humans – dogs feel acute anxiety at nighttime, and that this anxiety is directly caused by owners having sex right in front of them.
While the study originally set out to discover if “doggies are very good boys and girls”, it quickly became apparent that subjects were feeling ample amounts of stress. The doctors noticed a link when a squeaking sound was made, specifically a sound akin to a bed rocking. The moment that sound would occur, many canine subjects would put their precious little paws over their cutie-pie snouts and loudly sigh.
“Just stop doing it,” pleaded one of the lead doctors of the study, Dr. Ramona Singh. “We understand that regular sex is key to maintaining a healthy relationship, but don’t act like your pet dog is just another piece of furniture in your room.
“They understand what’s going on, and they think you’re disgusting!”
Many doctors have posed theories as to why the dogs feel stress upon seeing the act, including: the dogs do not like being ignored; the dogs believe sex is dirty; or the dog believes one owner is trying to crush another owner. However the most common reason is that most couples scientifically look “real gross” while engaging in intercourse.
It has also been noted that dogs specifically hate it when couples engage in “doggie style” intercourse, due to the insensitive use of the word “doggie”, and the fact that the pup has to see both owners’ faces while it’s happening.
Doctors are currently hard at work on medication to calm these stressed out doggos, but in the meanwhile, many have observed odd coping mechanisms on the animals’ behalf; such as a drinking (out of the toilet) problem, and humping your leg to give you a taste of your own medicine.
In the meantime doctors agree that, if you’re really into “doing it” in front of your pets, you should try a housecat – scientifically speaking, cats friggin’ love watching their owners have sex.