Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
OTTAWA – With negotiations dragging on until well-past 3pm, the nation’s parents say they have reached an impasse with their toddlers, who are steadfastly maintaining a strict no-nap policy…
Ford claims carbon tax recklessly rear-ended him in latest legal attempt
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford appeared at an Ontario Superior Court with his injury lawyer claiming he was involved in a motor vehicle collision last night with the carbon tax, and announced …
Man delighted to discover his New Yorker tote bag is the perfect size to keep his stack of unread New Yorkers
TORONTO – After nearly four months of isolation, a New Yorker tote bag has found itself a greater purpose outside the dusty kitchen cabinets it once called home, “future graduate student” Samuel …
Cartoonist fired after viral cartoon threatens to keep print media relevant
SAINT JOHN, NB – Editorial cartoonist Michael de Adder was let go from Brunswick News Inc. just days after his viral cartoon of President Trump golfing near the bodies of dead migrants thre…
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
CHESHIRE, UK – After years of being the lone contributor to her village’s sacrificial blood rituals due only to the fact that she is a virgin, 18-year-old Josephine Paine finally spoke out in an …
Possessed doll tired of being typecast by Hollywood
LOS ANGELES – Standing in front of the posters for Child’s Play and Annabelle Comes Home at her local movie theater, Penny, a possessed doll and working actor, is unable to contain her ange…
Trudeau claims he was just holding a bag of single-use plastics for a friend
OTTAWA – After being caught on camera with a large quantity of single-use plastics, Justin Trudeau is adamantly denying the stash of fossil fuel derived cutlery belongs to him. “Look, this …
Doug Ford hires only the best family and friends to get to the bottom of nepotism claims
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford has announced that he will review claims of nepotism by his government along with a crack team of friends and family members. Ford explained that the public can …
US Supreme Court rules bricking people up in wine cellars is legal as long as it’s done for partisan purposes
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a 5 to 4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled today that while it remains illegal to lure people down to wine cellars, basements or catacombs and bury them alive behin…
Raptors sweeten offer to Kawhi Leonard with 500 MB of data on Canadian cell phone plan
TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Raptors have offered free agent Kawhi Leonard 500 MB on his Canadian cell phone plan if he signs with the team for another season. “We’re w…
