TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford appeared at an Ontario Superior Court with his injury lawyer claiming he was involved in a motor vehicle collision last night with the carbon tax, and announced he is pursuing damages for his injuries.
After losing a court challenge last week where the federal tax on carbon emissions was deemed constitutional by the Court of Appeal, Ford explained the compulsory environmental charge went on a reckless victory bender.
“I was just returning from the orphanage to give needy children tax cuts when this speeding carbon tax came charging for me,” explained Ford at the steps of the courthouse wearing a neck brace. “I could see the environmental anger in the things eyes. It wanted to hurt me and the folks I represent.”
The Premier was unable to describe what kind of vehicle the pollution levy was driving, but said it was big enough to cause him whiplash, emotional suffering, and extensive political embarrassment.
“I tried to warn everyone with television and radio ads, and forcing gas stations to post the government’s message, but few people believed me until now,” said a somber Ford.
His lawyer explained his client will be suing for $30 million for the loss of enjoyment of his Lincoln SUV, medical expenses, chronic pain and suffering, and will request that the judge deem the carbon tax unconstitutional.
At press time, Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe was claiming the carbon tax put a severed human finger in his Wendy’s Chilli while Alberta Premier Jason Kenney reported to police that the carbon tax put a noose around his neck and shouted anti-Albertan slurs.