US Supreme Court rules bricking people up in wine cellars is legal as long as it’s done for partisan purposes

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a 5 to 4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled today that while it remains illegal to lure people down to wine cellars, basements or catacombs and bury them alive behin…

Raptors sweeten offer to Kawhi Leonard with 500 MB of data on Canadian cell phone plan

TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Raptors have offered free agent Kawhi Leonard 500 MB on his Canadian cell phone plan if he signs with the team for another season. “We’re w…

Quiz: Do you trust priests again, or are you watching Fleabag Season 2?

As summer approaches it’s important for many to take spiritual stock in what one believes. The current political climate would suggest that returning to popular religions such as Catholicism may …

Quebec law requires all circumcised government workers to wear secular foreskin covers

QUEBEC CITY – All circumcised men in positions of authority within the province of Quebec are now legally compelled to wear an artificial foreskin cover in the workplace. An overlooked regu…

Meet the Air Canada passenger left on the same plane for the past 15 years

TORONTO – He’s been reported missing by his family since 2004, but Kurt Sampson is alive and well, and still trapped on the same Air Canada flight he boarded to Calgary. The now-bearded tel…

Report: Ford gov actually shut down to avoid mockery from new episodes of Beaverton tv show

TORONTO – Sources within the Ford administration revealed today that the real reason the government took a sudden, extremely lengthy summer hiatus was to avoid being made of fun by the new …

Malnourished toddler relieved to hear he’s not technically in a concentration camp

CLINT, TEXAS — After having been separated from his parents and forced to sleep on a concrete floor with thousands of other migrant children, 2 year old migrant Filipe Diaz was relieved to …

Advancement in field of weighted blankets allows covers to choke you slightly, call you daddy

WATERLOO, ON – At a press conference held last Thursday, weighted blanket startup Consensual Crushing announced its new line of adult bedspreads featuring the ability to choke users while e…

Children impressed, sad at how much Dad knows about Transformers

GRAVENHURST, ON – Local Dad Emil Johnston, 39, demonstrated substantial knowledge of the alien robots known as Transformers at a Toys R Us yesterday, and the response of his two children wa…

Scheer and Trudeau denounce new crop of deepfakes that show them taking the climate crisis seriously

OTTAWA – The leaders of the two most powerful political parties in Canada are both sounding the alarm over what they consider to be a disturbing new trend, the creation of manipulated video…