Friend who moved to suburbs really wants you to come visit sometime

Oakville, ON – Ryan, your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visi…

RCMP: Exclusion zones necessary to protect Canadian public from dangers of rampant journalism

UNCEDED WET’SUWET’EN TERRITORY – Following a pre-dawn raid to remove Indigenous occupants from several camps in northern B.C. today, the RCMP is defending its practice of removing journalis…

China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide

BEIJING – With many countries refusing to allow Huawei technology because of its links to Chinese intelligence agencies, as well as the company’s CFO still waiting for extradition to the US…

Doug Ford has 95% approval rating among kids who hate school

HAMILTON – Premier Doug Ford and his Ontario PCs are decisively ahead among children who hate their schools, principals, and teachers. According to an Ipsos poll, 95% of Ontario elementary …

US Senate confirms committing crimes not illegal

WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans have confirmed that the crimes committed by US President Donald Trump, including abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, were not illegal. In a 53-47 vot…

Desperate nation pining for US celebrity’s attention denies it’s boring

CANADA – Citizens from a nation always seeking US approval are expressing outrage that a washed-up pop singer from the 1980s called the country “boring.” “How dare she call us dull,” said M…

Neat! Murdoch Mysteries has been on so long it now takes place in the future

What a twist! Turns out Beloved CBC tv series Murdoch Mysteries, about an early 20th Century detective with disturbingly pretty eyes, has been on the air for so many years that it now takes place…

Timothee Chalamet will now play every human on earth by 2023

LOS ANGELES – Following his successful portrayal of Henry V in The King and the announcement that he will be playing Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic, Timothee Chalamet has announced that he…

Democrats excited by early opportunity to tear themselves apart from within

DES MOINES, IA – The U.S. Democratic party is celebrating a rare win after a computer glitch at their Iowa primary gave them a chance to self-destruct earlier than they normally do in an el…

Woman conducting job interview in coffee shop wants to know if candidate serious about this opportunity

TORONTO — Reports have confirmed that a woman conducting a job interview for a marketing intern position in a crowded local coffee shop, Margie’s, has concerns about whether the applicant will tr…