Look, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we text the wrong person, or we miss an appointment, or we congregate with a crowd of thousands in the midst of a pandemic, contributing to the spread of a deadly virus and thus to its death toll. But don’t worry! Here are six ways to shift the blame when it was clearly you in those pictures at Trinity Bellwoods Park, Dave.
1. “That wasn’t me, it was someone who looks like me”
This is a risky one. It’s very clearly you in the monogrammed shorts and custom Big Johnson t-shirt. Plus you posted a picture on Instagram with the caption “Picnic with the Bros #QuarantineShmuarantine”. But hey, coincidences happen! That totally wasn’t you!
2. “That wasn’t me, it was my identical twin who is hellbent on destroying my life”
This is a little better. While it’s a bit of a reach, it explains why someone might choose to dress exactly like you and act completely irresponsibly in the foreground of a picture that will go viral and be published in the Toronto Star, NowToronto, CityNews and more. But why would anyone hate you? Why indeed, Dave.
3. “I was the only one there, and then several thousand people rushed into the park before I could get out”
Claim you were the one person at Trinity Bellwoods that morning, just there to drink your lime Bubly and then leave. It’s not your fault thousands of park-goers appeared out of nowhere all at once and forced you into a game of hackey sack.
4. “It was nice out!”
Don’t worry, everyone will understand why you chose to flagrantly abandon the protocols that will allow us to eventually return to normal life. It was nice out!
5. “I fully intended to properly physically distance but it was very difficult to do. I wore a mask into the park but I failed to use it properly, another thing I’m disappointed about. These were mistakes that I made and as a leader in this city, I know that I must set a better example going forward.”
If a weak sauce apology is good enough for Toronto mayor John Tory, it’s good enough for you!
6. “I was there, but it was satire”
Thank goodness you attended a couple open mics before all this started. Now you can claim it was all some kind of ironic performance art meant to highlight the danger of letting our guard down while COVID-19 rages on. You wanted to be in that picture to draw attention to what’s really going on in society. And what’s really going on is a bunch of people being extremely selfish and negligent of the health and safety of others, RIGHT DAVE?