Canada politely waits in desperate silence to be asked if it would like more COVID vaccines
OTTAWA – As nations around the world line up to acquire vaccines against the COVID19 virus from countries with the manufacturing capacity, Canada is quietly waiting its turn to be offered s…
John Tory tweets “Stay home. Unless you’re being evicted, then get the fuck out.”
TORONTO – Toronto’s mayor John Tory has requested that residents stay home unless landlords aren’t making money off of them in which case they need to leave their homes. “Stay home,” tweete…
Local woman watches porn just to see people interacting without masks on
KITCHENER- With more Canadians staying at home and avoiding the public, it makes sense that online activities would also be on the rise. But a new report suggests that while porn consumption is u…
Ford vows to return wetlands into its natural suburban habitat
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has taken several steps to fight the province’s wetlands and watersheds so one day these unprofitable lands return to its natural suburban habitat. “Some…
Trudeau announces new vaccine advent calendar
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Canada will soon receive its first batch of COVID vaccinations, which will be distributed to Canadians using Health Canada’s new …
Wall Street to trade water, also mentions human body 60% water for no particular reason
NEW YORK – Representatives for the NYSE have announced that water futures will enter commodities trading on the stock market, before cryptically adding that human bodies are composed of mor…
Mountain Dew celebrates true meaning of Christmas with Dewtivity Scene
CALGARY – Mountain Dew has unveiled a partnership with Safeway that places sponsored Dewtivity Scenes™ in grocery stores across the country. “The increasing commercialization of Christmas makes …
Girlfriend’s cat watching you pee again
Hamilton, ON – Late Friday night, your girlfriend’s cat, Cheddar, watched you relieve yourself again in your girlfriend’s en-suite bathroom, and frankly, you’ve had enough. “It doesn’t look…
Canadians warned to shelter at home unless your job makes money for someone richer
OTTAWA – Health Canada is warning all Canadians to avoid COVID by staying at home, with the exception of those whose jobs create wealth for those with exponentially more money than them, in…
Snowbirds looking to be evacuated from more exotic location this time
TORONTO – Months after being rescued from a stranded cruise by the Canadian government, snowbirds Adriel and Harold Glatterbee are looking to be plucked from the deadly grip of the coronavi…
