Local man makes New Year’s Resolution not to make New Year’s Resolutions, fails

SASKATOON, SK – A local man who resolved not to make any New Year’s resolutions for 2021 has already failed to follow through. Will Knotts, 33, has been historically unlucky with his New Ye…

Canada now requires travelers test negative for politician before international travel

OTTAWA- After a huge jump in cases, the federal government has now mandated that all international passengers must test negative for politician. “The cases are growing at an alarming rate,&…

Guitar sitting in your closet can’t wait to get to second bass

YOUR APARTMENT – After reaching first bass, the guitar in your closet expressed impatience and the thrill at the prospect of reaching second bass. “Oooh boy I’m so excited to touch their bo…

Glove model gets hand job

NEW YORK – Glove model Anton Kamilnik announced this morning with much excitement that he had finally received a hand job. “With the kind of proximity that they require,” said Kamilnik, “in…

Cheers turn to silent horror as New Year’s countdown reads -1, -2, -3

NEW YORK — Excited cheers rang out over a much sparser but still festive Times Square Thursday evening as the few onsite personnel gathered to bid farewell to 2020. But the usual joyful chants of…

Egyptian authorities announce discovery of 13 completely sealed copies of Shasta McNasty on DVD

CAIRO – The world was rocked today as the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities unveiled the discovery of 13 completely sealed DVDs of the late 1990s TV show Shasta McNasty. Rumors surrounding t…

2020: The year we all became incels

OTTAWA – Reports from the nation’s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates. “It’s been a hard year.” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton. “My sex li…

Public Health Agency of Canada advises to keep New Year’s kisses “to immediate family only”

OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19, the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year’s…

“2020 strikes again!” says man undergoing long overdue divorce

HAMILTON – After years of percolating marital tension and resentment, Michael Toredo has proclaimed that the recent dissolution of his marriage is just another victim of the dreaded year 2020. “Y…

Best Breakout Actors of 2020 and who their famous dads are!

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Acting is notoriously difficult to break into, but this year’s up-and-comers used hard work to beat the odds! These rising stars have the charisma, drive, and genetic facial…