Lovable weirdo downgraded to just weirdo

KITCHENER, ON – Well, it’s official: Wade Thomas has been downgraded from the status of Lovable Weirdo to just plain Weirdo, sources say. The 32-year-old Kitchener man loves lizards, potato…

Leafs fan instinctively starts singing Hall & Oates anytime something good happens to him

TORONTO – After 3 years of hearing Hall & Oates hit ‘You Make My Dreams’ blast through Scotiabank Arena every time the Leafs score a goal, die-hard fan Matthew Minden has be…

Doug Ford starting to feel like he should maybe look into this whole Omicron thing

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford is said to be considering taking “a big look” at the Omicron variant that is currently causing Ontario’s COVID case numbers to explode. “…

Local woman at that age where she gets hangovers from eating too much soup now

SAULT STE. MARIE, ON – Jayne Hinton, 32, is slowly discovering what her body can’t handle nowadays, ranging from a glass of wine to a heavy meal before bed. Most recently, Hinton discovered…

Cemetery offers premium ‘Headliner Tombstones’ closer to the more popular walking paths

WINNIPEG – Pleasant Glen Cemetery is currently offering a special ‘Headliner Tombstone’ package for the deceased who would like to get more looks from passersby than a regular tombstone. “T…

Kellogg’s replaces on-strike Tony the Tiger with child-friendly scab, Jerry the Jaguar

BATTLE CREEK, MI – Kellogg’s is moving to replace the 1,400 striking workers at several major US plants after contract negotiations broke down earlier this week. Hoping to stamp out any fur…

“Husky” boy knows exactly what that word means, thank you very much

SUDBURY, ON – Corey Ashford, a local 13 year-old-boy commonly referred to by friends and family as “husky”, has announced that he understands perfectly well what that word really means and does n…

Secular province fires Muslim teacher right before Christmas break

Chelsea, QC – In accordance with Québec’s Bill 21 law enforcing the secular nature of the province, an elementary school teacher who wears a hijab has been removed from her classroom right …

Ford: when I blamed young people for spreading COVID, I specifically meant my daughter Krista

TORONTO – Walking back his comments from several months ago that young Ontarians are responsible for rising COVID case counts, Premier Doug Ford clarified that it’s not all young peop…

Local woman not soccer mom, just mean

ETOBICOKE, ON – Neighbours and co-workers were shocked this week to learn that 36-year-old Rhonda Bartlie is not actually a dedicated soccer mom – she just drives a minivan and is rud…