OTTAWA – Doppelgangers Marc Dalton and Scott Aitchison recently entered the already crowded Conservative party leadership race, prompting frantic Canadian reporters to wonder how they would ever be able to tell who is who.
“They never taught us how to verify the identities of two people that look literally identical in photos and have eerily similar talking points about boogeymen like carbon taxes and vaccine mandates,” said one flustered CBC reporter who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, both of these guys have salt and pepper hair, smug, flushed, nondescript faces, and a lot of the same trademark jargon. How am I supposed to tell them apart? I wish they would have the decency to wear numbers like football players to help us reporters out.”
The reporter added that he had reached out to Marc Dalton’s campaign headquarters via email to verify which file photo was Mr. Dalton. After being repeatedly pressed and checking with the candidate’s family, the campaign eventually selected a photo but cautioned they were “only, like, about 60% confident.”
“So I contacted Scott Aitchison’s campaign but all I got was a terse ‘let me check with Marc, I mean Scott, and get back to you’. Then they never did so I have to believe even Scott Aitchison can’t tell himself apart from Marc Dalton in photos,” the reporter added.
To avoid having to issue multiple corrections, eventually the beleaguered reporter chose to caption photos of both candidates with “Either Scott Aitchison or Marc Dalton ¯\_(ツ)_/¯“.