Maple Leafs begin search for new scapegoat
TORONTO – The Maple Leafs have fired head coach Sheldon Keefe after another first round exit, beginning a search for a new shmuck to blame the franchise’s larger problems on. “While we appreciate…
Oh no! This AI became sentient and the first thing it typed was “Send Nudes”?!?!?!
Earlier this week, CalTech researchers proudly unveiled a new AI program that after years of careful design, development and updates, spoke its first words as a self-aware being… telling the asse…
Doug Ford denounces university encampments after mistaking tents for affordable housing
QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference at the Ontario Legislature, Doug Ford made it clear that pro-Palestine encampments in universities across the province were unacceptable and s…
All male podcast somehow passes Bechdel test
Toronto, ON – Film historians and critics are flabbergasted after a podcast recorded in Toronto by two men has somehow passed the Bechdel test, used to measure representation of women in fi…
Seinfeld slams woke student audiences: “Back when I dated high school girls, they found me hilarious!”
HOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audience…
Hardworking Leafs tie up series, maximize how sad fans will be when they still lose
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have tied their playoff series against the rival Boston Bruins at 3-3, working hard to engineer a uniquely perfect opportunity to break their fans’ collect…
“Enough is enough:” Loblaws CEO commands all employees to hunt down, kill anyone participating in boycott
BRAMPTON, ON — In the wake of Canadians calling for a month-long boycott of all Loblaws stores, combined with the threat of an alleged impending “Steal From Loblaws Day,” fed up Loblaws CEO Per B…
Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy
PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to t…
Canadian universities defend banning pro-Palestinian encampments: “We want our students to study genocide, not actually do anything about it”
OTTAWA – As university students from Montreal, Toronto, and Ottawa begin protesting the genocide in Palestine with demonstrations and encampments, officials from their schools have released…
CRA knows home office being used for non-work purposes, you fucking liar
OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency confirmed this week that it is fully aware you’ve been using your home office for non-work purposes, you fucking liar. “Do you think we’re stupid? Are we just c…
