BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent - The Beaverton

BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent

OTTAWA — In a stunning revelation that has shaken the personal care industry to its core, the makers of Düush+, a popular men’s 9-in-1 body wash, have admitted that the product is actually just laundry detergent.

Max De Groot, the founder and CEO of RealSuds, made the announcement during a press conference on Tuesday.

“It’s time to come clean about our Düush+ line of products,” said De Groot solemnly. “We never intended to deceive the public, but as more and more of our competitors started releasing 4-in-1, 5-in-1 and even 7-in-1 products, we had to keep pace.”

The market for men’s personal hygiene products has experienced a major shift over the past decade, with increasingly frugal consumers demanding more uses out of every bottle. This is in marked contrast to the women’s market, where multiple bottles of different products are often required to accomplish a single task.

In order to bring the original Düush 3-in-1 formula up to a 9-in-1, the company began secretly cutting it with laundry detergent. In addition to shampoo, conditioner and body wash, the detergent allowed RealSuds to add six more benefits to the label: stain buster, scent booster, wrinkle guard, pube softener, personal lubricant and anus whitener.

“When the complaints about stinging genitals and hair loss were minimal, we kept increasing the ratio of detergent to body wash until, eventually, the whole bottle was just detergent,” said De Groot. “We know it was a dirty thing to do, especially for a company that deals in cleanliness, and we apologize.”

Fortunately for De Groot, reaction to the announcement among Düush+ users has been largely ambivalent.

“I couldn’t even tell you what any of its other uses are besides shampoo and body wash,” said local landscaper Kris Kerrigan. “But I do know that nine is a higher number than four or seven, which means it’s better than most of the other stuff on the market. Plus, it’s nice to know that if the washing machine in my building breaks, I can just hop in the shower with my clothes on.”

Following the press conference, RealSuds confirmed that it will update all Düush+ packaging with a disclaimer, and also that convenient new Düush+ shower pods will be arriving in stores this summer.