















As Russia prepares to invade Ukraine, West rapidly deploys stockpile of vague condemnations
BRUSSELS – In light of Russia’s aggressive military buildup near the Ukrainian border, Western nations have ordered their stockpiles of vague condemnations to be placed at the highest…
Ontario schools really hoping to score a coveted 100% on their PCR tests
ETOBICOKE, ON – As students head back to school across the province, Ontario is holding out hope for a coveted 100% on their symptomatic COVID-19 PCR tests. “Of all the province-wide standa…
Failed artist excited for career in real estate
VANCOUVER – Failed playwright Jacob Jones was gleeful today after passing his real estate exam. While Jones’ ambition to see his work premier on Broadway – or even at a local Fringe F…
Nova Scotian school changes name from ‘Prince Andrew’ to more respectable ‘Randy from Trailer Park Boys High’
DARTMOUTH, NS – In the wake of Prince Andrew’s involvement with the ongoing Jeffrey Epstein sex scandal, a local high school will no longer be named after the disgraced royal and will inste…
B.C. unveils new “what you don’t know can’t hurt anyone” COVID strategy
VICTORIA – After weeks of struggling to adapt their approach to COVID in light of a large testing deficit and a completely unknown amount of infections within the population, the B.C. provi…
Jason Kenney vows to protect Alberta’s vulnerable COVID industry
EDMONTON – Alberta premier Jason Kenney announced today that his administration will work tirelessly to make sure the province’s booming COVID business stays prosperous. “If we allow the Tr…
Alberta justice minister asks police chief to quash independent probe into Alberta justice minister
EDMONTON – Alberta MLA Kaycee Madu has called on Police Chief Dale MacFee to “help take care of” an independent probe into the incident where Madu called on Chief MacFee after receiving a t…
Inclusivity Win! The green M&M is getting an abortion
VIRGINIA – Mars, Incorporated, the company behind M&Ms, announced yesterday that it would be making a concerted effort to make its popular colourful candy more globally relatable and in…
Putin unsure if he’s in mood for Cold War or World War
MOSCOW – As a mustered force of 100,000 Russian soldiers stands by at the Ukrainian border, Russian President Vladimir Putin was reportedly spotted at his Novo-Ogaryevo residence debating t…
Ontario to reopen in-person dining on January 31st and then again on April 10th
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has just announced that restaurants and bars will be able to open indoor dining at reduced capacity on January 31st and then, following another lockdown …