Experts admit world just going to have to learn to live with seasonal outbreaks of Vladimir Putin

GENEVA – In a long expected admission by assembled health and safety representatives, citizens of countries across the world have been informed that we are all just going to have to endure regula…

Opinion: If corporations can be tried as individuals, then why can’t my ex-boyfriend’s improv team?

TORONTO – The legal doctrine known as corporate personhood states that corporations can be sued just like individual people. So if I can sue a corporation, why the hell can’t I sue my ex-boyfrien…

Ottawa police investigation confirms motorcycles easier to tow than transport trucks

OTTAWA – As crowds gather in the city’s downtown core for the Rolling Thunder motorcycle protest rally, Ottawa Police have released the results of an internal investigation stating that motorcycl…

New research shows the thing you’re doing to cope with your depression is the cause of your depression

CALGARY, AB – A new study from the Centre for Canadian Mental Health and Wellness (CCMHW) found that among Canadians aged 18-35, the near-ubiquitous cause of mental distress was the thing t…

BREAKING: This man can explain why he invested in NFTs but not what an NFT is

TORONTO – Scientists in Toronto have made a startling discovery this week: local man Josh Clybourne is able to justify at length why he invested in NFTs, but seems physically incapable of d…

Modern Baryshnikov artfully dodges the steam unleashed by microwave dinner 

HALIFAX – Sources report that Daniel Strickland has amazed onlookers by easily avoiding  the steam that poured out of his microwave dinner as he peeled back its plastic seal.  “I thought he was g…

Ottawa police chief reminds officers not to join protests this time

OTTAWA – Ottawa interim police chief Steve Bell has reminded members of his force that they are not allowed to participate in any planned far-right protests this weekend despite what happen…

Health Canada announces end of gay blood ban with celebratory suck and fuck fest

OTTAWA, ON – The ban on blood donations from men who have had sex with other men within the last three months has been lifted, as was announced earlier today by an oiled-up twink wearing on…

Florida introduces ‘Don’t Say Science’ Bill

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida is now the highest ranking state politician to voice his endorsement of Bill 467 – the ‘Don’t Say Science’ bill. “I couldn’t be prouder of our l…

Opinion: I don’t think you should have rights, but that’s no reason to be mean to me

Jasper, TX – Back in my day, we could talk politics in an objective and fair way. As far as I know, there hasn’t been any kind of civil unrest or movement in the last 50 years in this count…