Experts confirm that global supply chain is now just one dude named Greg doing his best
TORONTO – As the world continues to experience worsening product shortages and shipping delays, experts have now confirmed that the planet’s global supply chain is down to just one lone man…
Queen Elizabeth announces plan to outlive Charles, “no matter what it takes”
LONDON, UK – In a rare candid interview this week, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II announced her formal plan to outlive heir to the throne Prince Charles, “no matter the dark deeds required.…
Bringing back a classic: this year’s summer bop is Handel’s Messiah
TORONTO – As millions of Canadians go about their summer, the strains of George Frideric Handel’s Messiah are providing a backdrop to countless barbeques, pool parties, and weekends at the cabin.…
Local vet boops a third of your savings account after routine check-up
NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to …
US Supreme Court rules women have no right to abortion because fetus could grow up to be gun owner
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a 5-4 decision the U.S. Supreme Court reversed Roe v. Wade yesterday, holding that women could not be allowed to have abortions because some of the babies would likely …
Rogers releases rainbow coloured $600 cellphone bill for Pride
TORONTO – As Pride Month heats up and companies across Canada express their support for the LGBTQ+ community, one of Canada’s largest telecom providers has rolled out their latest pride mon…
All guns reclassified as Chekhov’s guns
OTTAWA – Following a new survey that found that 99.9% of firearms turn out to be important to the plot, the Federal government has issued a nationwide reclassification of all privately owne…
Canadian women rest easy in the knowledge misogyny uniquely American problem
OTTAWA – Across the nation, women are reacting to today’s horrifying news that the U.S. Supreme Court has struck down Roe v. Wade with compassion for their American counterparts, but are taking c…
Centrist gazelle pauses to consider cheetah’s point of view
BOTSWANA – Marvin Shuttleworth, a three-year-old gazelle who proudly describes himself as a centrist, paused while being pursued by a cheetah in order to consider the predator’s point of vi…
