WASHINGTON D.C. – The President of the United States will be forced to miss the second wedding of his eldest son this weekend, due to a top secret executive branch-level not giving a shit. ̶...
AI tech mogul confused why expendable human capital booing him during commencement address
COLUMBUS, OH – Jack Smarnoff, CEO of tech firm Confinity AI, is reportedly confused as to why the graduating class of Ohio State University are loudly booing his commencement speech, specificall...
Soon-to-be grounded Snowbirds promise to make 2026 season their most dog-traumatizing yet
“They’re going to be shaking the whole time we’re gone!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) break down the Pentagon abandoning the Joint Board ...
Kars4Kids scandal shockingly not an Epstein thing
LOS ANGELES, CA – Kars4Kids ads are being pulled from the CBC for reasons that are being described as “mercifully not billionaire pedophile-related”. Following a California court fou...
Danielle Smith announces Fall referendum on the concept of referendums
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has announced a Fall referendum on the general notion of referendums, including what they are, what if any questions they could ask, and why Alberta Separatis...
Canada ends agonizing three-year Walter Cup drought
MONTREAL — The Montreal Victoire have won the PWHL’s Walter Cup, ending an excruciating three-year period where the championship resided south of the border. “I’m honoured to have helped bring a champ...
Five tips to avoid prematurely releasing your referendum announcement
You aren’t alone. It happens to every majority government. One minute, you’re engaged in a lively debate at a bipartisan committee meeting. The next thing you know, the press release you already wrote...
New parents celebrate beginning of 18-year, $300,000 failed investment
Elora, ON ― First-time parents Felicity and Ivan Jennings welcomed an enormous waste of time, money, and effort into the world yesterday, which they refer to as their “son,” or Jody. Friends of the te...
Decades of loyalty points collecting finally yields $5 discount
OTTAWA – History was made last Saturday when a customer’s quarter-century of dutiful loyalty card usage finally generated a bountiful return, a $5 discount. The dedicated shopper, Trevor...
Robert K. Irving dies, to be buried in the Great Moncton Pyramid
MONCTON, NB – Following the passing of Robert K. Irving, the Irving family has announced that he shall be buried in New Brunswick’s tallest non-smokestack structure, the Great Moncton Pyramid. A...
