WASHINGTON D.C. – With representatives of the Israeli government, as well as Hamas, meeting to discuss a potential U.S.-brokered peace, delegates have reportedly been surprised to find that the ...
Breaking: so it is possible for a homegrown star to succeed in playoffs despite Toronto fans, media
TORONTO – Vladimir Guerrero Jr. has led the Blue Jays to a 2-0 series lead over the New York Yankees, proving that it actually is possible for a Toronto athlete to perform well in the playoffs d...
Police recommend calling 911 a few days before crime
TORONTO – Toronto Police announced a bold new initiative aimed at streamlining emergency response and reducing delays due to 911 hold times. The public is now encouraged to call 911 several day...
Israel reports they have found “missing” Greta Thunberg safe and invited her for fun, mandatory sleepover
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL – The government of Israel reports that it has intercepted a flotilla of boats, containing among others Greta Thunberg, which was in fact en route for a long-scheduled sleepover...
“I know it’s only the Preseason but…” says hockey fan about to make the dumbest prediction of all time
TORONTO – As the pre-season winds down hockey fans are using the preamble “I know it’s only the preseason but” to unleash their wildest and dumbest takes. “I know it̵...
Economy stalls as Canada Post strike prevents grandmothers from mailing birthday money
OTTAWA – The ongoing Canada Post strike has impacted the ability of grandmothers across the nation to send you “a few dollars” on your birthday, which has been discovered to be a cru...
Trump promises shutdown will not impact essential U.S. government services like Bombings and Coups
“Don’t worry, we still have enough funds to indiscriminately bomb people on small boats near the coast of Venezuela.” Luke and the Panel (Nile Seguin, Clare Blackwood, Megan MacKay) ...
New Tron movie looks pretty co – aw, shit is Jared Leto in this?
Saint John, New Brunswick – Initial excitement over the latest entry in Disney’s sci-fi Tron franchise was ruined when it was discovered it also stars Jared Leto. During a recent family movie ni...
5 tips to avoid conversations with other parents at the playground
Canadians are a friendly bunch, famous for our warmth and approachability. Despite this reputation, many of us find interactions with strangers painfully awkward. Among the worst kind is when our thou...
Jared Kushner surprised $55 Billion Electronic Arts buyout does not include $10 Billion DLC
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – Silver Lake Partners, Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund, and Jared Kushner were shocked when they found out their $55 Billion buyout of EA did not include the new, down...
